Zoe vs. It Takes Two to Make a Blog Go Right: A Blogiversary

When I started writing this blog four years ago, Zoe was just shy of three, and now she's a month away from turning seven. Naturally, she was unaware of my blog when I began it. As she grew, a dim awareness dawned, which soon settled into icy indifference. That trajectory is similar to how the world at large has reacted to my blog.

Like last year, today I'm doing a song parody to celebrate another year of toiling in obscurity, I mean, blogging. I chose notorious ear worm/song "It Takes Two" by Rob Base and DJ EZ Rock. I picked it because it does take two people to write these posts: me, your faithful observer and scribe, and Zoe, whose antics, somewhat exaggerated, are fodder for my stories.

I also chose "It Takes Two" because it's a song that's like most small children in that it hits that sweet spot between annoying and infectious.

"It's All True"-- A Parody

Right about now you are about to be possessed by the sounds of MC Mom Blogger and EZ-Z to the E

Hit it!

It's all true these blog posts I write

It's all true (okay maybe not quite)

It's all true these blog posts I write

It's all true (exaggerate I might)

Read it!

Mom's gonna blog right now

She's a mom who blogs to calm down

She's not even locally known

But she's known to be on her smartphone

She writes about me, and I'm infectious

Literally, folks, I mean contagious

When I ate a booger, mom called an Uber

To get far away from me is what would behoove her

But Grandmas love me, aunts adore me

I mean, even readers who never saw me

Like hearing all about me grow

The reason why? I'm cute, don't you know

So let's go, cause

It's all true these blog posts I write

It's all true (okay maybe not quite)

It's all true these blog posts I write

It's all true (exaggerate I might)

My name is Zoe, and I gotta long tale to tell

Listen up or I'm just gonna hafta yell

I've got a story

That I wanna share

You're on the toilet? So what, I don't care.

I'm number one, play Uno, don't stop

Play the game my way or I'll call a cop

Bold and blonde and I come correct

When Mom hears a noise why am I always the first suspect?

I'm a queen, and you can't catch me

Or with my icy magic, I'm gonna get free

Cause I'm Zoe, but call me Elsa

To my mom, my mouth is the freshest

So let's start, I don't kick that hard

Don't know why Mommy say she need a bodyguard

I must confess I seldom say yes

Play with Legos, win at chess, yes!

It's all true these blog posts I write

It's all true (okay maybe not quite)

It's all true these blog posts I write

It's all true (exaggerate I might)

The situation, that this blog is in

Four-year anniversary, my mom can pretend

That you'll share this post with a good friend

So read it and then you'll comprehend

Cause I'm a reader, my vocab superior

They say don't judge a book by its exterior

I never sit, and talking's something I never quit

I spin in circles, then I'm dizzy a little bit

Take off my clothes, then reach down and touch my toes

I get low then line my toys up in rows

Watch Minecraft how-tos on YouTube

I'm also a dragon cause this is Zoe's world

I'm on a mission, ya better just listen

Hear me growl and I'm all about hissin'!

It's all true these blog posts I write

It's all true (okay maybe not quite)

It's all true these blog posts I write

It's all true (don't wanna fight!)

I stand alone, unless I need someone

To take me to the bathroom, to do number one

I make friends as much as foes 

Cause I'm Zo-e, the one who chose

Games, that make Mommy weary

Stay near me, feel teary

Pout! That's what I'm about, shout no!

Don't turn the lights out.

I'm not tired, not even a bit, not nearly

I can stay up till all hours of the night or even midnight

Undirected. When I get my dinner, I reject it.

Get me a snack, lest I attack Mommy's back.

She typed this blog up, on a Mac.

If you want humor, let's go,

Click on the links, go for laughs I throw

Mom says I've got to go

You talkin' to me? Oh. No.

Cause I've got to pee again, even though it's past my bedtime

Says what I get away with, it's just a crime

But she lets me go, with a pretty please

Says it's better than having to use Febreze

Rock the blog with the help of Z

All day, I like to play

Mommy only writes the words that I say

It's all true these blog posts I write

It's all true (okay maybe not quite)

It's all true these blog posts I write

It's all true (exaggerate I might)

As I write right now,

When I count to three, I want you to go to bed

One, two---

Z: Get juice now? (It may take two for me to go to bed.)

But Did You Die? Setting the Parenting Bar Low, hilarious stories of parenting advice gone wrong, but occasionally right. Available now. In fact, if you just glance over to your right, you'll see it right there in the sidebar. See it? Reward yourself for your smartitudes: click it!

Zoe: 167; Universe: 0

If you enjoyed this post, you may like last's year blogiversary post: my parody of Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire."

For more of Zoe's hijinks, follow me on Facebook and on Twitter at @zoevsuniverse. 

I need a win here, people. 

Four more years! Four more years!

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Zoe vs. the 100th Post

This is my 100th post. Can you see it through the storm of confetti?

It was also my 2nd blogiversary two weeks ago. When I started this blog at the end of June in 2013, I committed myself to posting once a week. So if you do the math, I should've been at 106 posts by  now. I'm counting on you not to do the counting as my blogiversary gift. Aw, thanks.

Something fun for today. I'm going to do a retrospective of my posts by inserting them randomly in R.E.M.'s pop hit of randomosity from 1987 "It's the End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)." As a "stream of consciousness rant with diverse references" (thanks, Wikipedia!), it seems appropriate. Retitled, naturally.

She's in Charge of My World and She Knows It (And I Feel Tired)

This blog, it started with my first post

About my cat, who liked to claim that she was not afraid.

Gwyneth Paltrow, exercise, Zoe likes her casual lies.

Child with so many needs. My commands she never heeds.

Beat me up. King of Pain? No. Queen. Refrain.

Dine out, fret, no etiquette. Zen, Homeric epithet.

Ruin Goodnight Moon. Dr. Seuss. Those seven dwarves

Watching Frozen. "Get me juice!" She can't Let. It. Go.

Left her, didn't come back in a hurry. Hello, fury. Snot runs. Down. My. Neck.

Donald Trump. Kanye West. Zoe fails the Bechdel test.

Hear running water, bath tub.

Uh-oh, overflow. Potty train, parts 1 through 3.

Will she go? Save yourself, please send help.

What about my own needs? Listen till my ears bleed.

Choose to treat with laughter, fears and tears provoke my fight, flight.

High diastolic, chocaholic, pants tight, can't write.

Feeling not so psyched.

She's in charge of my world and she knows it.

She's in charge of my world and she knows it.

She's in charge of my world and she knows it, and I feel tired.

Six o'clock, witching hour, don't get caught in closet, cower.

Stomach churns, heartburn, somehow it's always her "turn."

Candy Land. No more playing! She ignores the words I'm saying.

Nancy Drew and Meryl Streep. Family bed, we get no sleep.

Like Thomas she's so locomotive. Get down! Calm down!

Feel my heel crush, crush, LEGO. Get no

sleep here. Not for years. Mommy, Daddy, shed a tear.

A tug of war, a tug of war, a tug of war of cries.

Offer her solutions, offer her alternatives, she just whines.

She's in charge of my world and she knows it (I need some time alone)

She's in charge of my world and she knows it (I really need some time alone)

She's in charge of my world and she knows it, and I feel tired. (It's time she goes to bed alone)

I feel tired (I feel so tired)

[Repeat]

Every night we watch TV, DVR is not for me

All filled up with kid's programs. SpongeBob SquarePants!

Bubble Guppies, Dora, Boots, and D.J. Lance.

Birthday candy, cupcake, ice cream. Doom.

She's catatonic, it's ironic. New food. Have bite? Fight.

She's in charge of my world and she knows it (I truly need some time alone)

She's in charge of my world and she knows it (It's time I got some time alone)

She's in charge of my world and she knows it, and I feel fine.

[Repeat. Forever.]

Zoe: 100; Universe: 0

For more of Zoe's hijinks, follow me on Facebook and on Twitter at @zoevsuniverse. 

I need a win here, people. 

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It's free and you'll make those kittens happy.

Zoe vs. This Blog: A Blogiversary

I can't believe it's been a year since I started this blog. I can't believe Zoe is almost four years old. I can't believe Interpol hasn't caught up to her web of international evil.

Just snap the damn picture already so I
can get these germ-magnets off me
and get back to my blog.

When I started this blog I wasn't sure how long I could keep it up. Could there be that many things Zoe was "against"? Turns out the universe is a mighty big place, filled with a plethora of wonders to behold with awe and then despise.

In this first year, she and I have explored many of her dislikes: from eating healthy food and sleeping reasonable hours to visiting doctors (boo!) and attending parades (should've been yay! but was somehow boo!). 

Sometimes I've wondered if, a la the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, I've altered Zoe's behavior just by observing and writing about it. Had I sometimes sat back, pen and pad in hand, and said to her, "Dazzle me"? Had I watched her in the throes of some emotional breakdown and said, "Splendid foaming at the mouth, dearest, but would you mind having your tantrum a little to the left?"

It took eight scientists to make this 60-inch cyclotron.
It took one mommy to make a blond version half the size.

Since I still feel relatively new at this, I researched to see what other bloggers did for their blogiversaries. Giveaways were pretty popular. There are such things out there called Rafflecopters. If you read last week's post, it won't surprise you to learn that upon a moment's investigation into this widget/concept/thing, I hyperventilated and passed out. When I came to, a certain blond-haired little girl was bouncing on my chest, constricting my airway. When I came to the next time, I'd completely forgotten about the whole thing.

Zoe is a walking---more accurately, running---case study, so, as I said, coming up with topics was not a problem. The biggest hurdle in blogging has been finding the window of time where I could sit at my computer unmolested. Those rare moments when she wasn't using my mouse arm as a monkey bar while screeching like a hyena. (Note to self:  "Zoe vs. the Zoo Trip"?)  

She's nobody's fool. If anything, I'm her fool. She has all sorts of ways to stop me from working.

1. Being cute: Wherein the subject begs me to play with her, big blue eyes threatening tears.

2. Being evil: Wherein the subject has a tantrum or otherwise precipitates a crisis/accident.

3. Miscellaneous manipulation: Wherein the subject perversely refuses to watch TV---something she always wants to do unless I'm on the computer---claiming the only entertainment that will satisfy is a YouTube video of Elsa singing "Let It Go." In Portuguese. 

4. Or, finally, that one-two punch of Guilt-Inducing Drama: Wherein the subject implies that the Mommy has scarred her for life by playacting a scene where she's the Mommy and informs Geo and Umicar that she can't play with them because: "I HAVE TO WORK!!" And also: "Go away! You're bothering me!"

For the record, I have never said those words to my daughter. I may have thought them, in a very loud voice, but I didn't say them.

Zoe is a consummate actress. One time, when I wasn't even working on my blog but was performing some much-needed cleanup, she wanted me to play, but I put her off. She walked away sulking. Later, when I was done cleaning and said I could play with her, she told me she was busy. 

I sat on the floor next to her and sighed a lot and made moon eyes and said,  "I wish I had someone to play with." After letting me stew for a bit, so I'd know how it felt, she relented and allowed me to hand her the toys she wanted to play with.

Virtual calories for my
illusory weight loss.

I don't know what the future holds. Or when her powers might come to their full fruition. Just as I don't know how much of an influence recording her activities is having on her development as an evil genius.

History will judge.

Zoe: 50; Universe/This Blog: 0