Thursday, June 12, 2014

Zoe vs. "King of Pain": A Song Parody

When I was putting Zoe to bed the other night, before I fell asleep (because that's what usually happens, while she continues her one-way gabfest), I asked her what she dreams about.

What? In my nightmares, she's the one
squatting on my midsection.

She looked at me, one of her attentive looks that said I'm actually going to take in the next words you say, and waited. I told her what I dreamed about, that sometimes it was based in reality and sometimes not. For instance, the night before I dreamt I was riding the subway (all too real), and the night before that I dreamt our cat Harley was doing long division (fantasy, most likely; I can't prove it since I don't know what she gets up to all day when we're gone).
So what did she dream about? Maybe her friends at school? I suggested. Or her Hello Kitty doll?
Zoe thought for a moment and then said, "A spot."
"A spot? What do you mean? Just, like, a spot?"
"A BLACK spot."
Okay then.
There are many possible interpretations, none of them good, but in any case they reminded me of "King of Pain" by the Police. So today I'm rewriting the lyrics, substituting queen for king.


Queen of Pain
(inspired by Zoe's dark and, literally, one-dimensional dreams)

There's a little black spot on your son today.
          My daughter put it there.
She tortured that same kid yesterday.
          She rules that day care.
She's streaking again; someone call a cop.
         She hates underwear.
There's no reason to nag, but her whine won't stop.
         She's my cross to bear.

I have stood here before, a mom who screams in vain
While my child turns in circles running round my legs
I guess I'm always hoping that she'll end this reign
But it's a mom's destiny to be the queen of pain . . .

King of paisley
There's a Cheerio trapped in our cat's front paw.
        My daughter put it there.
Watching Frozen again, want to end it all.
        I'll do it, I swear.
There's a toddler pulling me every which way
        My pajamas tear.
She never listens to a word I say.
        She don't even care.

[Repeat refrain]

There's a doll on the floor with its hair torn out.
There's a stain on my collar whose source I doubt.
There's a toddler sleeping straight across our bed.
She keeps adding more butter to that crust of bread.

There's a mom playing horsey with a broken back.
        Help, Obamacare.
Watching Dora again, she's Hispanic crack.
       Chiquita has flair.
There's a little black spot on your son today . ..
She tortured that same kid yesterday . . .

[Repeat refrain]

Queen of pain, I'll always be queen of pain . . .

[Fade out]

Thank you, Police. Someday I will turn my attention to your other songs that could also have been about Zoe: "Don't Stand So Close to Me," "Driven to Tears," and "Wrapped Around Your Finger," to name a few. Until then . . .

Zoe: 48; Universe: Zenyatta Mon Nada

11 comments :

  1. I heard Sting singing as I read the song. It could be a top 40 hit.

    Maybe Zoe has a future as an abstract artist and she's dreaming of future art installations.

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  2. Haha, thanks, Ponies . . . and thanks for giving me a positive interpretation; my speculations were all ominous.

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  3. I'm over here from SITS. It's generally against my policy to leave link to my own blog, especially the FIRST time I've ever visited someone (damn, what a jerk!), but you have to see this parody I did because it will -- I hope -- make you want to actually DO yours. You should just do it. It's fun. And yours is a freakin' riot.

    http://bloggingbetties.com/a-blogher-first-time-in-forever/

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  4. Awesome song!You should check out Stephanie Sprenger's site (her name is the URL) - she performs songs with new lyrics that moms have written. I'd love to see her channel Sting!

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  5. This is so awesome! I will totally add it to my post-hiatus ParentZ Bop list! :)

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