Thursday, September 4, 2014

Zoe vs. the Kardashians

Public urination. Questionable taste. Unintelligible ramblings. Am I describing a preschooler or a Kardashian? Trick question. These are features belonging to both. Perhaps I'll dub my own preschooler Special K so she can join the club of Kris, Kim, Kourtney, Khloe, Kylie, and Kendall. After all, she is in Pre-K, which may as well indicate a Kardashian in training.

From sex tape to reality show
queen. What a long and crazy ride.

Without further ado, here are 7 ways Zoe is like a cast member---sorry, kast member---of Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

1. Look at me! She wants us to watch her no matter how mundane or repetitive her activities. "Look at me!" (She's sliding down the slide for the umpteenth time.) "Watch me, Mommy!" (She's twirling around in a circle till she's overcome by dizziness and falls down in a heap.) "See what I did!" (She pooped.) Each time she jumps from the koffee table to land on a kouch kushion, I must affect amazement. Most of her stunts are run-of-the-mill but sometimes I watch with my heart in my mouth: Is she really going to klimb onto the windowsill before jumping, rolling to her feet and then vaulting over her Disney Kastle like she's mastered Parkour for Preschoolers? Yep. Often, I'm impressed with her athleticism. (She gets this from Daddy.)

2. Self-absorption. No one is as interesting as she is. Refer back to #1. She's never met a mirror she didn't like. That meal you slaved over? No, thanks. Except in place of the "thanks" she puts the plate on the floor for Harley, our Kat, while she waits for "something good."

3. TMI. With short updates from "I'm gassy" to full-blown stories with no konceivable end, Zoe is a konsummate oversharer. Many times she kan be seen hopping from foot to foot and holding her krotch, saying, "Pee-pee, pee-pee!" (She gets that from Mommy.)
Full disclosure: I've never actually watched an episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. I'm just not strong enough. However, I did hear about the episode where Khloe was enlisted to judge which sister's, um, kookie jar smelled better, Kourtney's or Kim's. (Kim's, in kase you've been living under a rock.)

Three Mile Island
The original TMI, but less irritating

4. Sensationalism. If there's drama, a preschooler will wring out every last drop. If she hurts herself, prepare to supply All the Band-Aids. You hurt her by accident, and you'll never hear the end of it unless Social Services takes the bait, and your child.
This brings us to a mini mystery, one which may explain our queer fascination with Kardashians and preschoolers, namely: How much are they aware of their own bullshit? I mean, at first, do they know they're lying, but do they end up being taken in by their own lies? It may be the greatest mystery of our time. 

5. Mercurial as to kommitments. Dora. No, Paw Patrol. No, Dora and Friends. Not that episode. No, wait, that episode. Kris Humphries.

Previous record: 72 days.

6. Mugging for the kamera, yet requesting privacy. All depends on mood. She wants attention but under her terms.

7. Public urination. Zoe kan do that one in her sleep. And has. I believe it was Kourtney's husband and honorary Kardashian Scott Disick who gets kredit here. He has been known to relieve himself in trashcans, both at home and out and about. The only difference is Zoe is now potty trained.

I may not know what the writing
says, but I'm sure it didn't need
that many characters.

Speaking of "honorary," more on Lord Disick. That's right, on a trip to England, he purchased a royal title so he wouldn't have to "walk around like some peasant." Not sure why he didn't go for Kount. I think he missed an opportunity there. Then again he's not a blood relative. But here's the weird thing about Kourtney's baby daddy. He's the ultimate riddle: full of himself and klueless, yet out of The Silly occasionally emerges a nugget of truth, even, dare I say, wisdom. Like a fortune kookie from hell. Click here for examples. Reading them was enough for me; I find I am unable to type them in.
Another thing. Apparently there was an episode where he visited a terminally ill woman after the Make a Wish Foundation informed him that her dying request was to meet him. Now, to me, the only thing more tragic than being terminally ill is to have meeting Scott Disick be your final wish. But, hey, who am I to say? And to give him kredit he did go, whether it was motivated by PR or not.
Still, it gives me an idea for that YA dystopian novel you're writing. A mash-up of Hunger Games and The Fault in Our Stars about a game show where terminally ill teens vie to see who gets to "take someone annoying with them" when they shed their mortal koil, sponsored by the omnipresent Make a Death Wish Foundation. You get away with murder because you'll be dead before you kan go to jail. Win-win! Sort of!

The hyperstructure of our dystopian future, where
kids can frolic in Thunderdome-style bounce houses.

In summation, greedy and goofy, attention-seeking yet oddly fascinating, whether it's a preschooler or a Kardashian, one thing's for sure: I'll never be able to keep up.
Zoe: 59; Universe: 0


  1. BWAH HA HA HA!! You killed us with this one! And the best use of the letter "k" in a post ever!! Love it!-The Dose Girls

  2. Thanks, ladies! I have nothing more kreative to say than that. ;)

  3. Hahhhaa! Loved it! OMG the putting of the plate on the floor and waiting for something good really struck a chord. One of mine throws his hands in the air and makes this huge noise of disgust before asking why I never make anything that's good to eat.

  4. Haha. They're lucky they're cute, aren't they? Thanks for stopping by.

  5. This is awesome. I'm actually working on my own Kardashian-related post right now, and I also started spelling everything with K. It's kontagious. And kreepy. I'll have to link to this post! (if you don't mind)

  6. Thanks! They are the gift that keeps on giving, aren't they? And it is kontagious. Please do link. Thank you. I was just visiting your site. I like your approach. Funny stuff.

  7. Thanks! And thanks for being kool about linking to your post. Okay, this is krazy and must stop. :)

  8. Haha. Thanks, Lisa. And doing the research for this was almost too much for me. I can probably get a whole other post out of my mother's reaction to it. "What do you mean kookie jar?"

  9. I love this! I never realized how much my kindergartner was like a Kardashian. I should've known, given that she legit thinks the movie Sophia the First was made about her.

  10. Haha, thanks. Z has a friend named Sophia and they both suffer from a similar delusion.

  11. Lisa Moskowitz SadikmanMarch 16, 2015 at 6:10 PM

    Ha! I have a 3yo AND I occasionally watch the train wreck known as The Kardashians. No wonder comments like "I'm so beautiful" don't phase me.

  12. Mom of 3-year-old here...and this is fantastic!!

  13. Perfect! My 3-year old is currently obsessed with Katy Perry. Better or worse than Kardashians?

  14. LOL at all the "K" substitutions! Hahaha

  15. Whatever you do, don't give her a giant jar of vaseline and access to the internet...

  16. Oh ye Gods. All the K spellings, they burn, they buuuuuurrrrnnn!

    And I so could have lived a life in ignorance w/out knowing that someone sniffed their sisters' cookie jars. EVER.

  17. Elizabeth CatalanoMarch 16, 2015 at 7:28 PM

    Haha! Thanks for the visual.

  18. Elizabeth CatalanoMarch 16, 2015 at 7:29 PM

    LOL, no one's the better for it! Ear and eyes, all burning.

  19. Estelle Sobel ErasmusMarch 16, 2015 at 9:11 PM

    The words. All the K words. Love it!

  20. Thanks, Estelle!

  21. Jill Ginsberg at the JillistMarch 17, 2015 at 3:23 PM

    Can I just say that your novel idea is absolutely killer. Write. That. Now! Seriously:) And full disclosure here, I think I was like a Kardashian in college. I just had to get that off my chest.

  22. Elizabeth CatalanoMarch 17, 2015 at 4:31 PM

    Thanks! I did write it. But I think I have to start over.
    Oh dear, the full disclosure--well, there's always recovery, thank Christ.

  23. Ha ha great last line - you'll never be able to keep up! Me neither & I don't want to. I've never seen an episode either. I did catch about 5 minutes once & that was plenty. Loved this line "the only thing more tragic than being terminally ill is to have meeting Scott Disick be your final wish." SO true. You can BUY royal titles? I guess you really ca put a price tag on everything. And please tell me "kookie jar" doesn't mean what I think it means. WTF? What is wrong w/ people? Double WTF w/ the husband peeing in garbage cans?!?!?!?!?!?!?! They're disgusting.

  24. Yes, it does re kookie jar. The phone call where I explained that to my mom was a hoot. Thanks!