Thursday, May 14, 2015

Zoe vs. Kanye West, Ph.D.

This week Kanye West, self-reported messiah, received an honorary doctorate from the School of the Art Institute of Chicago. That ripping sound you hear is everyone in the world who has an advanced degree tearing up their diplomas.
When I covered the Kardashians, I did not include Kanye West because he told me he deserved his own post and to do otherwise would dilute his magnificence.
So here we are.
I can't really comment on his music. It's not for me, and I'm not someone who can even speak intelligently about the music I do like. However, one thing I'm unable to countenance is a "proud nonreader of books" receiving any degree from a school of higher learning.
I just don't get the appeal of Kanye, no matter how many times he tells me I should. Of course, that in itself could be the problem, considering my preference for the low-key and the subtle. Kanye's brand is self-aggrandizement, along with transparent posturing and self-indulgent tantrums. The other day I saw a meme where he was smiling until he noticed the cameras. Like flipping a light switch, he went full-on Grumpy Cat. He has that in common with Zoe.

Grumpy Cat was robbed, y'all.

In fact (shocker if you didn't see this coming), there are striking similarities between Yeezus and four-year-olds. Except for the fact that mine likes to read.
1. A huge ego
"I'm the genius voice of this generation." (Yeezus)
"I'm the best jumper." (Zoe)
"I'm a superhero princess who can do magic." (Kanye, ha, no, I mean Zoe)
"Listen to me sing even though I can't sing but, admit it, you like to hear it anyway." (Zoe, and dammit, she's got me there)

2. Watch me!
Kanye craves attention even when (especially when?) he's sitting off to the side sulking. If Kanye West sulks in the woods but there's no photo on Instagram is he really fronting?
Zoe is the same way sans autotune.
Watch this! Daddy, look! Mommy, listen! Excuse me, I need to talk!
She's also given to epic sulks that require an audience in order to reach the sublime.

3. Inappropriate talking
Kanye, like a four-year-old, doesn't know when to sit down and shut up. Especially if someone else is getting attention. Someone like Beck or Taylor Swift.  Then he's got to interrupt with the truth of his own awesomeness. Or Beyonce's.
Similarly, when Mommy and Daddy talk to each other, Zoe can't abide it. She needs our attention right at that moment. She's got a tale to tell. Yes, it has made-up words, but the point is to keep right on talking till she hits on a real one.
Is Mommy on the phone? Not. Even. That's her cue to start climbing me and frame my face with her sticky hands to make sure I have no peripheral vision to distract me from her story about a boy named Donder who has a big butt but he fell on it and it was funny, but also sad, but mostly funny. Donder.

4. Stunning illogic
In his acceptance speech at the School of the Art Institute, Kanye said, "This honor is going to make your lives easier. Two reasons: You don't have to defend me as much and I'm going to make all of our lives easier." The world may be his canvas but ain't no numbers there.
The other night Zoe said, regarding a boy in her class: "He's always never not sharing." Sounds like they're already covering paradoxes in preschool.

Gwyneth, the third member of the Unholy Trinity,
along with Karl and Kanye, wasn't there that day.

The similarities are endless, much like Zoe's one-sided conversations. So in honor of absolutely nothing, I'm rewriting Kanye's "Gold Digger." I give you "Big Gabber."

"Big Gabber"
She talks my ear off, when I need to pee
She's a verbose child, we can agree
She a constant gabber, sunup to sundown
And she gabs all over me

(Stop talking, please!)
Now I ain't sayin she a big gabber (when I want to pee)
But she's keepin up her endless chatter (stop talking, please)
Now I ain't sayin she a big gabber (when I want peace)
But she's keepin up her endless chatter
Slow down girl c'mon slow down (Get off of me)
Get down girl c'mon get down (I cannot breathe)
Slow down girl c'mon slow down (Get off of me)
Get down girl c'mon get down (I cannot breathe)

Cutie the bomb
Since the time she was born
With a My Little Pony
Under her underarm
She said I like to play with rocks
I'm feeling too warm
Can I take off my socks?
Eat your chicken parm, it won't do any harm
No, I'm looking for Rainbow Dash
Have you seen her?
No, not Twilight Sparkle, Fluttershy
No, not Apple Blossom, Pinkie Pie
Mama gotta find all they bad ass. That's show biz!
Ok, I do my best wading through all this other paraphernalia
Find 'em riding in monster trucks with Cinder-alia.
Too busy talking to eat the dinner I laid
Promise her candy, little chatterbox gotta get paid
You know why?
I need to explain?
Little girl be causin my ears pain
Hey, Mommy, I'm Blaze and you be Crusher
I don't care what none of y'all say I still love her

(Stop talking, please!)
Now I ain't sayin she a big gabber (when I want to pee)
But she's keepin up her endless chatter (stop talking, please)
Now I ain't sayin she a big gabber (when I want peace)
But she's keepin up her endless chatter
Slow down girl c'mon slow down (Get off of me)
Get down girl c'mon get down (I cannot breathe)
Slow down girl c'mon slow down (Get off of me)
Get down girl c'mon get down (I cannot breathe)

18 years, 18 years
Talking since she's born, got her for 18 years
All the time talking brings me to my knees
Morning to nighttime, please stop talking, please
You hear her gabbing away any given Monday
Story she spinnin takes you through the following Sunday
To get a break you'd spend all your money
And shorty already telling you what to do with your money
She walkin' around lookin' like Elsa with your money
Should've got Louis Vuitton earplugs for your money money money
If you ain't no punk holla: We want silence
WE WANT SILENCE. Yeah.
It's something that you need or you weep
Cause when it's bedtime she's never ready for sleep.
18 years, 18 years
18 years of gabbing but you know I wouldn't leave her for no other little white girl

Refrain
Just Zoe being Zoe (drops mic)

Zoe: 92; Universe: Kanye

For more of Zoe's hijinks, follow me on Facebook and on Twitter at @zoevsuniverse
I need a win here, people. 
If Kanye West is not your lord and savior, click here to subscribe.

8 comments :

  1. Elizabeth CatalanoMay 20, 2015 at 1:06 PM

    Thanks, lady!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I kept meaning to comment and never got back to it. Of course, hilarious as always. And especially striking the idea of "Kanye as perpetual 4yo." It works. Spot on. :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Elizabeth CatalanoMay 20, 2015 at 6:07 PM

    Thanks! My subliminal broadcasts are working.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Yes to all of this. Excellent parallel between kid behavior and Kanye's, and of course the kids have an excuse. I still don't understand why anyone takes this douche canoe seriously.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Elizabeth CatalanoMay 21, 2015 at 9:52 AM

    It's definitely one of life's mysteries.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Elizabeth CatalanoJune 13, 2015 at 8:55 AM

    Thanks!

    ReplyDelete