Thursday, April 3, 2014

Zoe vs. Karl Lagerfeld

Considering that he dresses like a super villain, Zoe should have much to emulate in Karl Lagerfeld. At the least they should enjoy an uneasy detente similar to what General Zod and Lex Luthor shared in Superman II. But dressing like an exorcist is not Zoe's style. And from what I've heard about Karl, he would not approve of Zoe's fashion choices. As the head designer for Chanel and Fendi as well as his own line, there seems to be a lot of black, and white, and also black-and-white.
The power of Karl compels you!
Zoe likes COLOR. She also likes to mix patterns. The other day it was pink polka-dot pants with a zebra print skirt over it and a striped top. Another day it was a rainbow of horizontal stripes over a muted rainbow of wider stripes. The overall effect can cause seizures if you look directly at her. It's best to just take parts of her in at once. Whatever you do, don't look on a full stomach. The finishing touch is usually an accent like a prominent food stain.
Zoe's signature style is Silly Socks, aka unmatching pairs---her favorite mix is an orange stripe and a light blue one. Also Silly Shoes, like one black sneaker and one purple one that lights up (seizure alert number two!).
When she's wearing Silly Shoes I always make a note of it when dropping her off at daycare. I don't want them to think I'm that far gone. I am, of course, but they don't need to know that. 

. .  . while Lex, like Zoe, prefers
 colors and bold patterns.
Zod, like Karl, prefers black leather . . .

Overall, Zoe dresses like an evil clown.
Which brings us back to good old Karl. However, as we can see, Zoe's fun-loving, devil-may-care, vertigo-inducing style is miles and miles from Lagerfeld's look, which can best be described as Nosferatu chic.

I'm gonna shake my little tush on the catwalk.

I suspect Karl Lagerfeld's distaste for Zoe would extend past her style. He's been quoted as saying that when he was a child he didn't play with other children and that he hated them. He also apparently asked for a valet for his fourth birthday. (Zoe will be four in August. If she knows what a valet is, I'd be very surprised. If she asks, I'll point her to Daddy.)
Karl's said some other hilariously objectionable things* over the years. There's even a Tumblr dedicated to some of them. I'll list a few of these incredible nuggets here.
First, I have to say I don't mind his comments as much as I mind other celebrities, like, say, I don't know, Gwyneth Paltrow. I guess because he's not pretending to be anything he's not, or maybe it's that he's not pretending not to be pretending. 
Here's his take on money:
"If you throw money out the window, throw it out with joy. Don't say 'one shouldn't do that'---that is bourgeois."
I suppose just by breeding and writing a blog about my child I've already punched my bourgeois card several times.
"No one wants to see curvy women. You've got fat mothers with their bags of chips sitting in front of the television and saying thin models are ugly."
Get out of my living room, Karl! Is that monocle-looking thing around your neck a palantir?

The one pecan danish ring, and that fat mommy is eating it!

Sidebar. Why is it called a catwalk anyway? My own cat is too fat for the runway and doesn't "walk" as much as waddle. And yet if there's anyone who can match Karl attitude for attitude it's Harley. Or his own cat, Choupette, who he's referred to as a kept woman. By the by, she also has a Twitter account.
Karl's been criticized for his stance on fur. It's hard to get a read on Harley on this issue. She gives the impression of being above ethics.

I'd eat Kitty Lagerfeld for breakfast
and then eat breakfast.

"I'm very impeccable and clean before I go to bed. It's just like right before I'm going out. ... I think everyone should go to bed like they have a date at the door."
First, I don't think he "goes to bed" as much as "goes to coffin." Second, in my experience sleep wreaks havoc with one's coiffure. Going dormant clearly does not.
"Sweatpants are a sign of defeat. You lost control of your life, so you bought some sweatpants."
This is one where I agree, as I wipe pecan danish ring crumbs off my sweatpants, I mean, yoga pants---world of difference.

Cast photo from the ill-fated Neutral Zone Story,
a musical mash-up of West Side Story and Star Trek.

"The only love that I really believe in is that of a mother for her children."
Aw, the old weird softie. I wonder if he said that pre- or post-Choupette. Either way, nice finish.
Zoe: 38; Universe/Fashion Police: 0
*There are different versions of these quotes online. I used the ones that provided maximum hilarity.


  1. Stop, I'm laughing so hard I had to close the door. We will have to get together again once I settle down to compare our bourgeois punch cards.

    1. Haha. That's right. You're now a homeowner. So bourgeois!!

  2. Also, love the captions!

  3. Once again, as usual, you had me cracking up through this entire post. I thought that "the overall effect can cause seizures if you look directly at her," was going to be the best part because it was hilarious, but then I got to the rest, and it was all hilarious, too. You are so creative!

  4. Thanks, Shay! High compliments indeed from such a funny person!

  5. I cannot stop laughing!! As usual, you've hit it out of the park completely--especially with your photo caption. Whew! SO FUNNY! Even given all the creepy things he's said, I think I STILL dislike Uncle Karl less than Gwyneth. At least he's not consciously uncoupling us from color. --Lisa

  6. Thanks, Lisa! Ha, no he's not consciously uncoupling from color. Too bourgeois!

  7. I also have difficulty believing that KL does his own "cleaning" unless by "cleaning" he's referring to "personal hygiene" type tasks. Because while I wouldn't put it past him to have a Designated Tooth Brusher, I believe even less that he vacuums his own crypt. House. I meant, his own house.

  8. Ha, crypt! And his designated tooth brusher probably has to wear off-white so they won't clash while still looking respectfully dental.

  9. Wow. Sounds like Karl is a major douche waffle. A high-end, haute cuisine douche waffle of course. But yes, I've got a healthy distant for Gwynie that extends far past Mr. Lagerfeld. I wanna bitch slap Goopy most days.