Thursday, January 7, 2016

Zoe vs. 2016: A Look Ahead

Welcome to Zoe's third annual look ahead at the new year.

If you review Zoe's 14 resolutions for 2014 and 15 resolutions for 2015, you'll see that Zoe's come a long way. At five, she's now a far cry from that toddler whose favorite word was no.
Now, instead of saying no she comes up with complicated excuses to weasel her way out of things ("I don't like broccoli, it's too spicy."), pretends she didn't hear me ("Did you say something, Mommy?"), or out and out lies ("But I never had chocolate ice cream before." Well, technically, she means "today," history not existing before the present moment).
Folks, we couldn't be prouder.
Rereading her posts, besides appreciating what a riot the kid is---I mean, wow, five years old and already a comedic genius---I see Zoe kept a lot of her resolutions. Last year, she did indeed have a fifth birthday party, go trick or treating, and enroll in kindergarten!
I can only imagine how she will top these successes in 2016. So here are:

Zoe's 16 Resolutions for 2016
1. Get more toys. At Christmas I got a lot of stuff from Santa, from the Grandmas, and from the assorted aunts and uncles and cousins. I noticed, however, that I did not get anything from Mommy and Daddy. Hopefully I can leverage this criminal negligence into acquiring more goods and services. Cause I played with everything I got already.
2. Count to the highest number: one hundred million thousand, one hundred seventy-six. 
3. Grow as tall as the sky. Or Daddy.
4. Speaking of Daddy, get him to unlock the next level on the Go Thomas game so I can race Thomas and his Speed Boost against Toby and his Lightning Burst.
5. Convince the world I'm a robot. Beep-beep, boop. I. AM. A. ROBOT. I said that in a robot voice. I mean, my voice. Cause I'm a robot.
6. Insist on wearing a particular outfit and then change my mind at the last minute, a continuing trend since 2013. Why fix what ain't broke?
7. Have three sixth birthday parties. Since it wouldn't be fair to confine my celebrity to one hotspot, I'll have parties at Bounce U, Chuck E. Cheese, and that little gymnastic place, but not the little gymnastic place where I had my fifth birthday party, the one where my friend Olivia had her fifth birthday party.
8. Remember to add a pyramid to the end of every sentence. Zoe. Is. The. Best. Ever. Pyramid.
9. Get Daddy to unlock the next level on Go Thomas so I can race Toby and his Lightning Burst against James and his Turbo Boost.
10. Become Death, Destroyer of Worlds.
11. Learn to tie my shoes.
12. Avoid peeing on the toilet seat so that my butt doesn't get wet when I slide off.
13. Cover every inch of wall space, from the floor to four feet high, with my Art. Use an egregious amount of Scotch tape.
14. Eat a new food and then spit it out to make a point.
15. Eat a previously introduced food and spit it out without anyone noticing.
16. Get Daddy to unlock the next level on Go Thomas so I can race James and his Turbo Boost against Percy and his Track Jump. Pretend I don't hear Daddy when he mutters something about death by a thousand paper cuts. When you have smooth, unwrinkled, perfect skin, criticism rolls right off you.
Like a ball.
A large pink ball with glitter inside it. Like the one I saw at the toy store.
I don't have a large pink ball with glitter inside it.
Yet. The year, after all, is young.

Zoe: 122; Universe: 0

For more of Zoe's hijinks, follow me on Facebook and on Twitter at @zoevsuniverse
I need a win here, people. 

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