Zoe vs. Harper's Index

There's no Harper in Zoe's class. The Harper I'm referring to in the title is the magazine, specifically, its long-running, monthly feature where numbers and figures are presented, in seemingly random order, and yet a general picture emerges.

Of what I'm not smart enough to know. I'm just smart enough to reference something smart-person adjacent. That's my level.

I had a roommate in grad school who subscribed to Harper's Magazine, and though I was too much of a low-brow to get through an article that would surely have elevated my aforementioned eyebrows, I always read the one-page index.

So I thought it would be fun to make a Zoe version, a view of her life thus far, by the numbers. Without further ado, I present:

Zoe's Index*

Age: 5 years, 5 months, 15 days

First word: Daddy

Second word: No

Tenth word: Mommy

First sentence: No, Mommy.

Number of diaper blowouts: 666

Number of staircases unnecessarily climbed as a toddler: 187

Estimated number of items put into mouth that were not food: 4,001

Number of times she's changed her favorite color: 8

Number of times she's changed my favorite color: 3

Number of times I read Ten Apples Up on Top during her second year: 3 million

Number of lies: 958

Times she was caught: 958

Number of times she caught me in a lie: 4 (But I had a good---chocolatey---excuse.)

Number of times she used my own logic against me: 27

Number of times she imitated me with devastating accuracy: 9

Number of colds and other ailments: 33

Bouts of pink eye: 14

Times she feigned a cold or other ailment to get something she wanted: 55

Trips to the ER: 1

Number of times I said don't touch that but she still touched that: 10,000

Number of outfits utterly destroyed after wearing them only once: 9

Times peed outside: 8

On purpose: 3

Number of meals she claimed to want but then changed her mind after I made it for her: 99

Number of words mispronounced to humorous effect: 9

Percentage of baths taken where she got the floor wet: 98%

Number of times she pooped in the tub: 3

Official haircuts: 5

Times she had her bangs trimmed, badly, by her mother: 20

Number of times she resisted having her nose or mouth wiped: 2,678

Number of times she fought going to sleep: 1,192

Average number of questions asked per day: 459

Of these, number that were a delaying tactic at bedtime: 399

Times I woke up in the morning before she did: 5

Of those, without the aid of an alarm clock: 1

Notes home from teacher: 1 (for face-pinching)

Items lost: innumerable socks (kicked off her feet as an infant), 10 gloves (from different pairs), 8 hats, 4 toys, one umbrella (Frozen theme), one lunchbox (Frozen theme)

Personas adopted: 28

Including: the Good/Bad Queen, the Good/Bad Princess, The Hulk, Spider-Man, Queen Elsa, Superman, generic superheroes, and The Mommy

Number of times she must repeat a joke if it gets a laugh the first time: 278

Ratio of time it should take to get her home versus how much time it does take: 1:2

Average number of times she climbs the stairs of different houses on the way home and announces "I'm the King of Love": 5

Average number of times she's told no before she complies: 7

Number of snacks offered to her in devotion by boyfriend at school: 10

Items broken: 77

Hearts broken: countless

Smiles, hugs, and kisses: 500,000

Each of which feels like: 1,000,000

which is why . . .

Zoe: 123; Universe: 0

*Source: My observations. No actual math was suffered. However, hyperbole may have been engaged in.

For more of Zoe's hijinks, follow me on Facebook and on Twitter at @zoevsuniverse. 

I need a win here, people. 

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