Thursday, January 28, 2016

Zoe vs. 11 Famous Novels (and Vote for Her Next Book!)

Last week I gave you the blurbs praising Zoe's works. Since then people have been stopping me in the street, begging me to tell them more about the novels Zoe has written. Never one to deny the people what they want, that's my subject today.
First, you should know that minutes after Zoe was born, she handed me her Bucket List, and one of the items on it was that she planned to write a dozen novels before she turned six. Well, she's five and a half and she's written eleven books.
And now she's stuck, so she needs your help to get to twelve. At the end of this post I'll ask you to vote for some possible titles. Or add one of your own. Next week, I'll let you know which one she decided on.
Until then . . . Zoe's 11.

(As you might expect, Zoe is a devotee of the literary canon, and so all her titles take their cue from other famous works, if you're wondering why they all sound familiar.)

Zoe's First 11 Novels
1. Naked Lunch (and Breakfast and Dinner and Snacktime): About a hungry toddler who refuses to put on clothes, preferring to dine au naturel.
2. Call of the Child: She won't be controlled and she won't be quiet. Bring her some water, goddammit, and make it apple juice.
3. Of Lice and Phlegm: A toddler attends daycare and fights off various unpleasant parasites and infestations while simultaneously destroying whatever she touches with a terrible crushing love.
4. The Devil Wears Carters: She can be a recalcitrant little demon during daylight hours, but just wait till you get on her pajamas and tell her it's time for bed. Then the claws come out, accompanied by increasingly impossible demands.
5. The Grapefruit Juice of Wrath: She asked for apple juice, not grapefruit. Are you out of your ever-loving mind offering her this bitter swill from the Fruit Forgotten by God?
6. All the Pretty Horses Are Mine: Don't even look at them.
7. Suspiciously Quiet on the Western Front: A mother who hasn't heard any sounds from her child for several minutes goes to investigate. It was the not knowing that got to her. By the end she realizes she was better off not knowing.
8. As I Lay Crying: In the first part a child lies down on the floor of a Foodtown to have a tantrum, and the mother must carry her bodily from the store: down the produce aisle, out the front door, across the parking lot, and home in a journey that is equal parts comic and tragic. In part two, when the mother finally gets to bed that night she can't sleep as she relives her day. And cries.
9. One Hundred Years of Meals Unchewed: A mother spends endless hours preparing healthy meals for a child who will never eat them. As far as she ever gets is convincing the child to put an infinitesimal amount on her tongue before spitting it out. This goes on forever as people live and die, are assumed into heaven, and it rains upside down. No one eats. So why can't Mom lose weight?
10. Point Counter Point Counter Point Counter Point Counter Point: An argument with a four-year-old about nonsense that goes on forever while you pine for the sweet silence of death.
11. In Search of Lost Mittens: A ruminative seven-volume memoir/novel about each pair of mittens lost in time. Meanwhile promises of cookies go unfulfilled.
12. ???????

Now you can vote. Which title do you think Zoe should pick for her next novel? Or feel free to suggest one below in the comments.

Zoe: 125; Universe: 0
For more of Zoe's hijinks, follow me on Facebook and on Twitter at @zoevsuniverse
I need a win here, people. 

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