Thursday, December 17, 2015

Zoe vs. 7 Ways Yoda Is Like My 5-Year-Old

A long time ago (1977, to be exact), a little girl's galaxy was irrevocably changed. That was the year Star Wars: Episode IV A New Hope came out.
To be fair, since I was only five, I can't claim to have clear memories of the galaxy before that. However, Google confirms that the world was a joyless wasteland till Luke Skywalker and friends showed up.

I'd put him down and make him carry his own book bag,
but I can't deal with the incessant whining.

My sister and I were immediately hooked. Come Christmas, our Dear Santa letters were pleas for as-yet-nonexistent Star Wars toys.
Here's where I feel compelled to slow my walker for a moment in order to explain to any young'uns reading this that these were the days before blockbuster movies and toy merchandising were de rigueur, when Happy Meal toys were just a glint in a scary redheaded clown's eye.
So that Christmas we had to be satisfied with the "promise" of toys. All our parents could buy was this cardboard display with cutouts where you'd eventually be able to anchor your action figures' feet. And goddamn it, it was enough.
Each Christmas and birthday my sister and I received Star Wars toys. When we got the twelve-inch Luke and Leia dolls, for the next year---until we got the twelve-inch Han Solo---we pretended the five-inch Han action figure had been shrunk by Darth Vader. Our Leia doll carried him around piggyback style in her cape.
Those were the days. And we'd be sitting on a cash cow with our Landspeeders and X-wing fighters and berobed Jawas today, that is, if we'd been like those creepy kids who call toys collectibles and vacuum-seal them---the technology for carbonite freezing having been lost to the ages---instead of playing with them with the thoughtless aggression of children till we misplaced Leia's hair donuts and, possibly, Luke's entire head.

Someday. Found at geek

Now my own child is five, and the continuation of the saga comes out tomorrow with Episode VII The Force Awakens.
I hope they mean it this time because Episodes I through III were less than stellar and this is my last chance to revisit those joyful days of carefree childhood.
As long as my actual child doesn't ruin it.
See, I'm wary of showing Zoe the original Star Wars trilogy. Will she like them? When I was a kid I based friendships on whether the person liked Star Wars. If Zoe didn't, would that cause an unbridgeable rift?
I feel like the original movies will be too slow compared to the pace of today's children's entertainment. (I'd be looking at you, SpongeBob, if all your movement and color didn't give me a seizure.) 
In addition, I'm aware my nostalgia blinds me to the movies', well, somewhat hokey dialogue. I know the lines better than I know the Catholic mass, and, in a similar way, the repetition has made the words transcend meaning. Just the other night I handed the Husband the trash saying, Into the garbage chute, flyboy.
Still, I think Zoe may find common ground with Yoda. Short in stature, short in name, but big in effect on the cosmos. It's a start. And in a competition between Zoe and Empire Strikes Back pre-CGI Yoda, I'd give even money Zoe could raise a starship from the Dagobah muck and Force-push it at Yoda's head.
So, to celebrate the Force Awakening, I give you:

7 Ways Yoda Is Like My Five-Year-Old 
1. You cannot judge her by her size. She's stronger than she looks and quite wily. Wise beyond her years and possibly 900-year-old Yoda's.
2. When Luke first meets Yoda on Dagobah, Yoda pretends to be an annoying little creature, tossing Luke's belonging all over the place, taking his food and spitting it out, and getting into a tug of war with R2D2 which eventually ends with hitting R2 with a stick. As for Zoe . . . I've lived this, only she wasn't pretending.
3. Yoda famously said, "Do or do not. There is no try." It's the latter sentence that Zoe exemplifies when we introduce a new food, a new activity, a new show, a new outfit, etc.
4. Her sentences backwards she speaks them.
5. She wants me to carry her around on my back all the time. I get the impression she's training me for something.
6. Yoda closes his eyes, reaches out with his hand, and taps into the Force of the universe to bend it to his will. Zoe sits with her hands out and her eyes closed and expects things to just happen. And they do. Then there's the Jedi mind tricks. "Mommy, you want to get up and get me juice." "You want to give me chocolate for breakfast." "These are not the tongs you were looking for and that I said I hadn't touched and I don't know why they're under my bed---look, are those womp rats?"
7. And finally, when Mommy says no, she looks at Daddy and whispers under her breath, "There is . . . another."

Still have 'em!

Taking off next week for the holiday, so at this holiest of times, I'd like to wish you Happy Holidays and . . .
. . . may the Force be with you.

Zoe: 121; Universe: 0

For more of Zoe's hijinks, follow me on Facebook and on Twitter at @zoevsuniverse
I need a win here, people. 

 If you want to find those droids you've been looking for, click here to subscribe. 

No comments :

Post a Comment