Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Zoe vs. 2015: A Look Ahead

As we close the door on 2014---from which the child locks have now been removed---and we enter a brave new world where little hands insist on using keys that they cannot yet master so that each evening I wonder if I'll ever get inside the apartment to use the bathroom, it's time to look forward to new goals, new experiences.
As I did last year, I'm yielding the floor to Zoe for her to list her New Year's Resolutions. 

Fanny prepares to play
Drink It, Break It, or Hide It.

Zoe's 15 Resolutions for 2015
1. Early in January, let's say, January 2nd, profess boredom, and when Mommy points to all the toys I received for Christmas, affect Big Ennui and patiently explain that I've already played with each toy for approximately four and a half minutes and that I'm "over it."
2. Watch The Lego Movie every day. (I've seen it twenty-fifteen times and I'm not over it yet. It's a mystery.)
3. Turn 5 on my birthday. Receive presents. Hopefully ones that will maintain my interest for more than four and a half minutes.
4. Now that I don't need the stroller anymore and can walk, insist on being carried. Unless Mommy brings the stroller. Then insist on walking.
5. Improve work/life balance.

I can definitely do this.

6. Attend birthday parties and other events. Make sure Mommy knows how much I want whatever toy we give to the birthday kid. Give her 30 days to acquire said toy for me. (I can be reasonable.)
7. Climb the highest mountain. The one at the park that Mommy calls Dirty Hill That We Can Pee Behind When the Bathroom's Closed. (Not sure why she says "we" since I've never seen her drop trou, and she'll insist we have to leave the park so she can pee.) 
8. Help Mommy "go viral" by coughing directly in her face more.
9. Leave pre-K for greener pastures. (And they will most certainly be greener considering the scorched earth I intend to leave behind me.) 
10. Go to kindergarten. Expand fanbase.
11. Decide on a costume for Halloween in July. Talk about it for months. Inform Mommy on the evening of October 30th that I want to go trick-or-treating as something else, like a robot-dinosaur. A pink one.
12. Exploit various grandmas, aunts, and retainers for candy. 
13. Wherever I go, resolve to have a good time, or at least make sure that if I'm not having a good time, no one else is either.

Wyldstyle, now Lucy Smythe-Brickowoski.
20 years after the events recounted in The Lego Movie.

14. Continue to leverage my whining till I get my way. It still works 30 percent of the time. I can deal with that.
And last,
15. Stay totes adorbs. It's my brand.
Zoe: 74; Universe: 0

For more of Zoe's hijinks, follow me on Facebook and on Twitter at @zoevsuniverse
I need a win here, people. 

To get piping hot updates delivered to your inbox 
every Thursday, click here.


  1. Loved this list! So clever! Loved the Halloween costume resolutions!

  2. Thanks, Parri!

  3. Oh, man. It's pretty fantastic to be Zoe, huh? Great list. Number 5 made me laugh out loud, mostly because I wonder what work/life balance could possibly even mean to a four-year-old :)

  4. She seems to be enjoying it. Thanks. #5 was my favorite too. ;). She's very sophisticated in her worldview. Happy New Year! Here's to making it to midnight.

  5. Ha ha! Hilarious and terrifyingly true. My son's only two and most of Zoe's list is very familiar.

  6. Ha, I'd say it gets better but it just gets different, and with a larger vocabulary.