Thursday, December 11, 2014

Zoe vs. the Top 7 Holiday Movies

Hi! Zoe here. I'm four. Next day I'll be five. But today, I'm reviewing the supposed top 7 holiday movies and other seasonal programming (according to big people).
So put on your Santa hats. But don't pull them over your ears or you won't be able to hear.

1. A Christmas Story 
Some guy wouldn't stop talking over the movie. It was distracting. And the boy never really did shoot his eye out. So that was kind of a letdown.
The kid was weird. He got his tongue stuck to a pole and he washed his mouth with soap. My daddy laughed at the boy's dad because he was funny. So was the lamp. However, there were no cute baby animals looking for their mommies.
Theme/lesson: Man's inhumanity to man. If you're into that kind of thing.
I'm giving it 2 puppies out of 5. 

2. It's a Wonderful Life
In a world without color a boy grows up. Three stars in the sky talk about the boy. The boy wants to take lots of trips but about ten minutes in you know he's never going anywhere.
There's a little girl named Zuzu who likes her flower so much she gets sick. Then there was a guy who was supposed to be an angel but he didn't have wings, so that was harder to swallow than uncooked broccoli (or cooked, for that matter).
Again, there were no cute baby animals who needed to find their mommies. There was one mention of ducks but I didn't see any.

Everyone thinking what I'm thinking? After
the New Year, Uncle Billy needs to be put down.

Theme/lesson: Our relationships are like a web and we are all pervy little spiders who live there with our friends. Unless they are failures.
I'm giving this movie 1 puppy and an invisible duck.

3. How the Grinch Stole Christmas
First of all, spoiler alert, he didn't really. Or at least he gives everything back. He was a bad mommy to his dog. I liked the dog.
The Whos were weird and scary except for Cindy Lou Who, who by my calculation was about two years younger than me, and had no feet, which was sad except she didn't seem too broken up about it. She kind of floated.
The Grinch was green. There was a song. I like this author's other stuff so I'm willing to give this 3 puppies.
Theme/lesson: Share. Or, short of that, don't steal.

4. A Charlie Brown Christmas 
I watched for two whole minutes and when nothing was happening but soft jazz I asked Mommy to shut it off and put on The Lego Movie instead.
No puppies for this one, even if there was a dog. I mean, the dog wasn't even looking for his mommy. He seemed too self-possessed. Also, his owner was a whiner. And believe me I know.
Theme/lesson: Didn't need to watch to know it was about unrealistic expectations leading to inevitable crushing disappointment.

Charlie Brown needs a blanket like mine.
And by "mine" I mean I'm going to wrap it
around his neck if he doesn't stop kvetching.

5. Elf
I liked this one. Mommy made me hot chocolate and put marshmallows in it. I also had a cookie which had M&Ms on top and I bit off the M&Ms and licked the flecks of M&M shell I couldn't get off and I plan to have more of the cookie I licked tomorrow.
Mommy thinks I will forget but I won't forget.
Buddy was funny. He liked revolving doors and elevators. And candy for breakfast.
Mommy said, Don't get any ideas. Too late. But really it was an idea I'd been entertaining for a while.
I missed the middle of the movie since I was busy jumping up and down and running in circles and stopping Mommy when she  tried to take my hot chocolate and cookie away but then I wanted to see the end with Santa's sled and the reindeer.
Theme/lesson: Be yourself. Or: Believe in yourself. Or just: Believe.
I'm giving this one 5 puppies but taking one away because there were no cute baby animals trying to find their mommy and daddy, just a tall elf looking for his dad and that was the least interesting part. I don't know how many puppies that leaves since I don't know how to subtract yet.

6. A Christmas Carol
No cute baby animals looking for their mommies. And no lady named Carol ever showed up.
There were ghosts though. That was okay. The last one was scary.
This is another one that takes place in a world with no color. It's about an old guy who's not very nice. At the end he turns nice but it's too nice so you don't trust it and he gets too friendly with Tiny Tim and that's kind of creepy but then again so is Tiny Tim.
No puppies for Scrooge! Okay, maybe one puppy because he has ghosts for friends, which is pretty hard-core.
Theme/lesson: Be nice, even if it seems fake, and you'll get invited to parties.

7. Die Hard
So this mommy's husband goes to a Christmas party in a building where the mommy works and crazy stuff goes down or it's about to but my mommy saw I was in the room and turned it off.
That usually means something is good so I'm going to assume it was about cute baby animals looking for their mommies and daddies. In a big office building with elevators. And lots of explosions. And daddies in tank tops, which is silly.

Rudolph? You ready to light this mofo up?

Theme/lesson: Be stealthy or you'll get caught, either by your mommy or fake German terrorists.
This one gets all the puppies.
Happy watching! 
Zoe: 72; Universe: 0

For more of Zoe's hijinks, follow me on Facebook and on Twitter at @zoevsuniverse
I need a win here, people. 


  1. Surprisingly, Zoe and I have similar taste in movies. Elf is my favorite holiday movie ever, and we leave The Christmas Story on TBS all day on the 25th. Hope you get lots of puppies for Christmas, Zoe!

  2. Ha, same here. Thanks!

  3. Linda_Roy_elleroy_was_hereDecember 17, 2014 at 10:53 AM

    This is hysterical! "in a world without color..." Fantastic!!

  4. Ha, thank you.