Thursday, January 8, 2015

Zoe vs. How to Open a Present

First, have you been presented with a gift bag? If so, inquire loudly as to the whereabouts of your real present. You need to let the gift giver know that their lack of effort has been noted. Laziness is such an unattractive quality.
If the present is wrapped carefully and elaborately, using thick, quality paper, and festooned with ribbons or bows, rip it apart faster than a piranha on Adderall. Trying too hard is an equally unattractive quality.

Yeah, slapping a bow on it
and doing something weird
with a ribbon will totally hide
the fact you phoned it in.

Open the largest gift first. Rejoice at the sight of a large dinosaur wearing armor, perched atop him a tiny cockpit with an action figure inside. Clearly the fossilized record of the mesozoic era didn't tell the whole story. 
Once this gift is unwrapped, experience dislocation and vertigo. You have a Big Decision to make. Do you play with this present or open the next one? It's a problem. 
While Daddy extracts the past-future dinosaur from its packaging, resign yourself to opening your next largest present. When it's not as good as a future-past dinosaur, push it to the side with your foot. Then check on Daddy's progress with the dinosaur, if necessary spurring him on with encouraging whines when you see him pause to take a sip of coffee. Then turn to the next gift.

Someone get me my armor. I want to eat this guy.

When all your gifts are open, ask, with a vague air of disappointment, is that it? Then demand to play with everything faster than your beleaguered parents can remove all the plastic ties, safety staples, and twisty twine and assemble all the pieces.
When prompted a minimum of three times, thank everyone, perhaps making brief eye contact with grandma, who is, after all, a good sport and your biggest benefactor. If you're feeling generous, shoot her a fleeting smile.
Unpleasant business over, turn back to your spoils. Determine how many toys either light up, make noise, or both.
And there damn well better be batteries included.
Zoe: 75; Universe: 0

For more of Zoe's hijinks, follow me on Facebook and on Twitter at @zoevsuniverse
I need a win here, people. 

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  1. I thank goodness that, at 11, my son has finally learned to be a gracious gift opener. He received no fewer than 3 copies of Mindshare this Christmas and every giver thought that it was the only one. And that it was the most exciting present he'd ever seen. Go son!

  2. Nice! So there's hope then. I will bide my time. And wrap her gifts with the right amount of effort.

  3. It will get better. Now my kids want the present opening to last as long as possible - they fight over who gets to open last, and hoard their gifts until the bitter end. Fun times.

  4. Zoe has already started talking about next xmas.

  5. Kristen Miller HewittJanuary 10, 2015 at 6:14 PM

    My littles just wanted to play with each gift,they didn't care about opening them! I don't want this little phase to ever end....

  6. Joanna @Motherhood and MerlotJanuary 11, 2015 at 2:47 PM

    Hahah my daughter is already wishing it was Christmas again. I despise toys that make noise...

  7. I don't think Zoe ever had that phase! ;)

  8. They are the worst! My daughter was upset we were taking down the tree.

  9. Lol. We have similar issues with the little rascal. He keeps asking when his birthday party is (um, next December). My nephew who just turned 6 told us we could take our gift back because he didn't want it.

  10. Haha. Sounds familiar. Z's been talking about her 5th bday party since before her 4th. And your nephew, wow, honesty is refreshing I guess!

  11. I'd have to say that's pretty damn accurate. I like when she kicks the present aside w/ her foot & gets the "unpleasant business over with."

  12. Haha. Thanks. Sometimes I exaggerate. Not that time.