First, have you been presented with a gift bag? If so, inquire loudly as to the whereabouts of your real present. You need to let the gift giver know that their lack of effort has been noted. Laziness is such an unattractive quality.
If the present is wrapped carefully and elaborately, using thick, quality paper, and festooned with ribbons or bows, rip it apart faster than a piranha on Adderall. Trying too hard is an equally unattractive quality.
Open the largest gift first. Rejoice at the sight of a large dinosaur wearing armor, perched atop him a tiny cockpit with an action figure inside. Clearly the fossilized record of the mesozoic era didn't tell the whole story.
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| Yeah, slapping a bow on it and doing something weird with a ribbon will totally hide the fact you phoned it in. |
Open the largest gift first. Rejoice at the sight of a large dinosaur wearing armor, perched atop him a tiny cockpit with an action figure inside. Clearly the fossilized record of the mesozoic era didn't tell the whole story.
Once this gift is unwrapped, experience dislocation and vertigo. You have a Big Decision to make. Do you play with this present or open the next one? It's a problem.
While Daddy extracts the past-future dinosaur from its packaging, resign yourself to opening your next largest present. When it's not as good as a future-past dinosaur, push it to the side with your foot. Then check on Daddy's progress with the dinosaur, if necessary spurring him on with encouraging whines when you see him pause to take a sip of coffee. Then turn to the next gift.
When all your gifts are open, ask, with a vague air of disappointment, is that it? Then demand to play with everything faster than your beleaguered parents can remove all the plastic ties, safety staples, and twisty twine and assemble all the pieces.
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| Someone get me my armor. I want to eat this guy. |
When all your gifts are open, ask, with a vague air of disappointment, is that it? Then demand to play with everything faster than your beleaguered parents can remove all the plastic ties, safety staples, and twisty twine and assemble all the pieces.
When prompted a minimum of three times, thank everyone, perhaps making brief eye contact with grandma, who is, after all, a good sport and your biggest benefactor. If you're feeling generous, shoot her a fleeting smile.
Unpleasant business over, turn back to your spoils. Determine how many toys either light up, make noise, or both.
And there damn well better be batteries included.
Zoe: 75; Universe: 0
For more of Zoe's hijinks, follow me on Facebook and on Twitter at @zoevsuniverse.
I need a win here, people.
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