Monday, December 30, 2013

Zoe vs. 2014: A Look Ahead

Baby New Year's forecast for 2014
includes colic, eating the inedible, and
for fall, the Poop Storm of the Century.

Today I'm lending my soapbox, adjusted for height, to Zoe. She tells me she has some New Year's Resolutions that she'd like to share. So without further ado . . .

A Toddler's New Year's Resolutions

Hi, both Grandmas! (Even if there are other people here. . . . Mommy says "be polite," but "don't talk to strangers." Mixed message, am I right? She's giving me a look now like she has to go potty so I'll move on.)
I have fourteen resolutions because the year is something-14. Fasten your five-point harness and let's go. . . .

   1. Say "no" more.
2. Say "no more"---to vegetables, hair-brushing, hair-washing, and any medicines, ointments, or poultices.
3. Come up with new dance moves with which to wow Mommy while she's trying to get me dressed. When she asks, "Are you kidding me?" it's another opportunity to say "no."
4. Try new foods. To spit out after one bite.
5. Meet new friends. And push them.
6. Since Mommy keeps saying, "You can look, but you can't touch," master the art of breaking things with my mind. Or perhaps just scream at a higher register?
7. Don't complete potty training. Mommy doesn't appreciate things unless she has to work hard for them.
8. Ask "what's that?" while pointing in a vague direction. Daddy enjoys guessing games.
9. When announcing I'm sick to get more TV or to get out of doing something I don't want to do, don't immediately follow this announcement by jumping on the trampoline. Mommy says she sees through me because I'm "transparent."
10. Look up "transparent" in the dictionary. See if that's better than a Mommy-parent or a Daddy-parent.
11. Find out who "little Hitler" is. Mommy and Daddy keep mentioning this person. For example, the other night when I was lying in bed waiting patiently for morning, I was taking a breath between verses of "Old McDonald"---that I'd been singing at the top of my lungs so that Mommy and Daddy wouldn't miss me---and overheard them saying that their "policy of appeasement has only emboldened little Hitler's aggressive tactics." This better not be that new kid in day care. If so, see resolution #5.
12. Cut down on carbs. Am I kidding? Yes.
13. When a timeout is on the horizon, throw in an "I love you." They can't resist that.
And last,
14. Stay frosty.
Happy New Year!


Zoe: 25; New Year: 0


  1. You forgot: Bite mommy more and harder and then say "big hug for mommy! big kiss!" when she gets mad. Try not to laugh because that makes her even more maddlier.

  2. SO funny!!! I can't even decide which one made me laugh more because they were all so great!! Zoe has got it all covered!! Happy New Year!!!