Zoe vs. Nancy Drew

Last week was the 85th anniversary of the publication of the first Nancy Drew book. When I was a kid, I wished that I could be Nancy Drew. She was smart and pretty, relatively free from parental constraints, and she solved mysteries. What could be better?

Fast-forward thirty years and I’m now married and the mother of one little girl while Nancy Drew remains forever eighteen years old (and 100 pounds). But that doesn’t mean I can’t still learn from her.

Here are:

10 Lessons from Nancy Drew That Apply to Motherhood

1. Always break for lunch. Unless you want the people you’re responsible for to get cranky. Low blood sugar leads to sloppy thinking and sore feelings.

No need to get fancy. Though Nancy could certainly throw together an award-winning Bento box, she plays to her audience, and they want sandwiches. Crusts optional.

Whatever this was Timmy had shoved
up his nose, Nancy decided some
mysteries were best left unsolved.

2. Be prepared. Bring the extra sweater. Make sure there are batteries in the flashlight (and in the toys that light up). And opt for the sensible pumps; you’ll be on your feet a lot.

3. Anticipate calamity. Be ready to spring into action at a moment’s notice. The sound that roused you from slumber. The glass on the edge of the coffee table. You never know what accident is about to unfold before your eyes or behind your back.

4. Ask for help. Surround yourself with chums not bums.

5. Even if you don’t know what you’re doing, pretend that you do. You may not be good at everything (like a certain girl detective) but your charges believe you to be the smartest, most put-together human who can solve any mystery from "Why are we here?" to "Whose foot is this?"

6. Look for clues. Investigate. Don’t let fear stop you. No matter what stench greets you when you walk into their room, face up to it. That smell’s not going away until you deal with it.

7. Trust your intuition. Silence can sometimes cloak nefarious doings. Peer around corners so your quarry doesn’t notice you spying on them. Once they see you, they will stop what they are doing and you’ll never get to the bottom of what was making that suspicious noise.

8. Persevere. Sometimes you won’t be taken seriously, you may be doubted, but you must press on anyway no matter what others may say, even supposed authority figures, be they police chiefs, elderly churchgoers, or sanctimommies.

Remember: There is no perfect crime. A perpetrator will most likely drop something in their rush to evade justice.

9. Project outward calm. Keep those tears on the inside. Daily you will be faced with a person who believes they’re running the show, but you know better. Make sure they do.

10. Don’t forget to have fun. You are the pilot of your own destiny and a model for others. A little honey goes a long way.

Just not too much. High blood sugar is as dangerous as low blood sugar. Strike that balance. After all, it’s what Nancy Drew would do.

Zoe: 91; Universe: 0

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I need a win here, people. 

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Zoe vs. the Blog Tour

Zoe here today. My mom was invited on a blog tour, and since I've earned a much-needed vacation I decided I should be the one to go on this tour.

This is how Mommy sees herself. I just know it.

Mommy was invited by a perfectly delightful woman named Susan who blogs at Pecked to Death by Chickens. I have a few things to say about this. First of all, can that really happen? Can chickens kill you with their beaks? Cause I don't need any more nightmare fodder. There's already the Shadow by the Closet and the Sound That Has No Source and colors like black with black spots. Plus, I only recently made the connection between those dinosaur-shaped breaded meat nuggets I've been eating and the denizen of Old MacDonald's farm who used to cluck, cluck here and there but now clucks nowhere at all unless in my stomach so I can see why they might want revenge.

On Fridays Mommy Susan also blogs about this guy named Craig and his list, which seems to comprise Chewbacca-themed miscellany and dirty stuff from some old guy's garage. I'm not sure why anyone has this stuff let alone is trying to sell it to other people. Money does not grow on trees. (Allegedly.)

So, the blog tour . . . Turns out this is less like a vacation and more like a game, like Hot Potato, where someone answers four questions about their writing process and then hands the potato off to two other people, so I guess that means they have two potatoes? Mommies have a tendency to complicate things that are simple. "Candy" comes before "dinner" alphabetically, am I right?

As for the four questions, I will now answer them as I think Mommy a) would answer them b) should answer them.

What is she working on?

If Mommy was answering this regarding me, she'd say, "her last nerve." This is because she thinks she's funny. I don't know why. Most of her so-called jokes aren't even about poop. 

Besides being a blogger she fancies herself a novelist and is trying to write the Great American Novel. Poor thing. She likes to write about people uncomfortable in their own skin and is a fan of Nancy Drew. I don't get it. I mean, big deal, the chick can drive. And as far as I can see, her investigative abilities consist of "finding" clues that ne'er-do-wells drop as they're running away. Elsa shoots ice from her fingers and is my best friend ever. 

So Mommy wrote this one novel and I think she should go ahead and put it in that drawer she keeps mentioning, the one where she should also put that inappropriate midriff shirt she needs to admit she will never wear again.

Now she's working on another novel. She probably thinks it will be funny. What's funny to me is how she thinks she's gonna have time for that since she wrote the first one before I'd graced her with my presence.

Mommy started this blog to have a platform for her other writing but is having such a good time because it's about me and I'm entertaining. Sometimes this makes me self-conscious, like when she watches me with a notebook in her hand and smirk on her face, like some ungodly mix of Jane Goodall and Tina Fey.

How does her work differ from others?

I'm not sure it does. I know she likes to get all meta. Have lots of reference that she thinks are artsy but are really more fartsy. She's like Ezra Pound but without the anti-Semiticism. She also likes to reference pop culture, especially sci-fi and eighties (her heyday) music and film. And she often says "humorous" things at my expense that she thinks I won't get. I do. Like when I was little, and I quite rightly, and vociferously, expressed alarm at being confined to that wheeled death trap in which I'd be propelled headlong through the streets, deprived of any autonomy, she'd roll her eyes in front of the other mommies and say, "You must chill, you must chill; I have hidden your Firebird keys." Recognizing her I'm-making-a-dated-reference tone I rifled through her DVD collection and found Say Anything. I get it, Mother, I really do.

Mommy had a crush on John Cusack in high school.
How original of her. (c) Twentieth Century Fox.

Why does she write what she does?

She feels she needs an outlet is my guess. She seems so stressed. I have no idea why. She's even used the pretentious phrase "self-actualization." I'd be embarrassed for her if I did empathy. (I'll let you in on a secret: I will never do empathy. Let her think it's because that's normal for my developmental stage.)

Basically I think she's trying to grasp on to having some sort of life outside of me, God bless her. She wants to make people laugh or move them. Cause let's keep up the charade that she doesn't like talking about herself. 

How does her writing process work?

She might answer this differently, a mix of mad rush vs. planning and note-taking. From what I've observed, she needs to be under the gun to work. And so I help her out by interrupting as often as possible and hanging on to her arm. Writers need to suffer. Also, they need to want it. My role as muse is to focus her; otherwise she has a tendency to ramble and go on tangents. I'll stop there cause the worst thing is to be accused of being your mother. At least that's my understanding.

A cautionary tale for
Mommy bloggers.

That's it. Now to pass the potato on---or cut the potato in half? I don't know---to two other funny writer mommies who will present their answers next week. 

First, we have Carrie from Ponies and Martinis, who also has one little girl. She's a funny lady who's barreling through life trying to make sense of being a wife and mother while bringing a little bit of humor to her day. She also takes care of three dogs, one cat, and a dwindling number of fish. (I'd say her cat is a feline of interest.) Here's Mommy's favorite post of hers: "Delivery Room Drama: My Daughter Fell Out of Me." She also often appears on BLUNTmoms.

Then Steph from We Don't Chew Glass, which is a title to ponder from several different angles. Here's Mommy's favorite post of hers: "10 Tips on How to Be a Person." Much-needed advice for our troubled times. She's an inconsistent perfectionist, a writer of rubbish, a mother of three, and wife of one. She says that if you find brutal honesty, foul language, or bathroom humor offensive, you should stay away because she's contagious. I can confirm because my mommy's infected. 

Be sure to check them out next week!

Zoe: 52; Universe: 0