Monday, July 14, 2014

Zoe vs. the Blog Tour

Zoe here today. My mom was invited on a blog tour, and since I've earned a much-needed vacation I decided I should be the one to go on this tour.

This is how Mommy sees herself. I just know it.

Mommy was invited by a perfectly delightful woman named Susan who blogs at Pecked to Death by Chickens. I have a few things to say about this. First of all, can that really happen? Can chickens kill you with their beaks? Cause I don't need any more nightmare fodder. There's already the Shadow by the Closet and the Sound That Has No Source and colors like black with black spots. Plus, I only recently made the connection between those dinosaur-shaped breaded meat nuggets I've been eating and the denizen of Old MacDonald's farm who used to cluck, cluck here and there but now clucks nowhere at all unless in my stomach so I can see why they might want revenge.
On Fridays Mommy Susan also blogs about this guy named Craig and his list, which seems to comprise Chewbacca-themed miscellany and dirty stuff from some old guy's garage. I'm not sure why anyone has this stuff let alone is trying to sell it to other people. Money does not grow on trees. (Allegedly.)
So, the blog tour . . . Turns out this is less like a vacation and more like a game, like Hot Potato, where someone answers four questions about their writing process and then hands the potato off to two other people, so I guess that means they have two potatoes? Mommies have a tendency to complicate things that are simple. "Candy" comes before "dinner" alphabetically, am I right?
As for the four questions, I will now answer them as I think Mommy a) would answer them b) should answer them.

What is she working on?
If Mommy was answering this regarding me, she'd say, "her last nerve." This is because she thinks she's funny. I don't know why. Most of her so-called jokes aren't even about poop. 
Besides being a blogger she fancies herself a novelist and is trying to write the Great American Novel. Poor thing. She likes to write about people uncomfortable in their own skin and is a fan of Nancy Drew. I don't get it. I mean, big deal, the chick can drive. And as far as I can see, her investigative abilities consist of "finding" clues that ne'er-do-wells drop as they're running away. Elsa shoots ice from her fingers and is my best friend ever. 
So Mommy wrote this one novel and I think she should go ahead and put it in that drawer she keeps mentioning, the one where she should also put that inappropriate midriff shirt she needs to admit she will never wear again.
Now she's working on another novel. She probably thinks it will be funny. What's funny to me is how she thinks she's gonna have time for that since she wrote the first one before I'd graced her with my presence.
Mommy started this blog to have a platform for her other writing but is having such a good time because it's about me and I'm entertaining. Sometimes this makes me self-conscious, like when she watches me with a notebook in her hand and smirk on her face, like some ungodly mix of Jane Goodall and Tina Fey.

How does her work differ from others?
I'm not sure it does. I know she likes to get all meta. Have lots of reference that she thinks are artsy but are really more fartsy. She's like Ezra Pound but without the anti-Semiticism. She also likes to reference pop culture, especially sci-fi and eighties (her heyday) music and film. And she often says "humorous" things at my expense that she thinks I won't get. I do. Like when I was little, and I quite rightly, and vociferously, expressed alarm at being confined to that wheeled death trap in which I'd be propelled headlong through the streets, deprived of any autonomy, she'd roll her eyes in front of the other mommies and say, "You must chill, you must chill; I have hidden your Firebird keys." Recognizing her I'm-making-a-dated-reference tone I rifled through her DVD collection and found Say Anything. I get it, Mother, I really do.

Mommy had a crush on John Cusack in high school.
How original of her. (c) Twentieth Century Fox.

Why does she write what she does?
She feels she needs an outlet is my guess. She seems so stressed. I have no idea why. She's even used the pretentious phrase "self-actualization." I'd be embarrassed for her if I did empathy. (I'll let you in on a secret: I will never do empathy. Let her think it's because that's normal for my developmental stage.)
Basically I think she's trying to grasp on to having some sort of life outside of me, God bless her. She wants to make people laugh or move them. Cause let's keep up the charade that she doesn't like talking about herself. 

How does her writing process work?
She might answer this differently, a mix of mad rush vs. planning and note-taking. From what I've observed, she needs to be under the gun to work. And so I help her out by interrupting as often as possible and hanging on to her arm. Writers need to suffer. Also, they need to want it. My role as muse is to focus her; otherwise she has a tendency to ramble and go on tangents. I'll stop there cause the worst thing is to be accused of being your mother. At least that's my understanding.

A cautionary tale for
Mommy bloggers.

That's it. Now to pass the potato on---or cut the potato in half? I don't know---to two other funny writer mommies who will present their answers next week. 
First, we have Carrie from Ponies and Martinis, who also has one little girl. She's a funny lady who's barreling through life trying to make sense of being a wife and mother while bringing a little bit of humor to her day. She also takes care of three dogs, one cat, and a dwindling number of fish. (I'd say her cat is a feline of interest.) Here's Mommy's favorite post of hers: "Delivery Room Drama: My Daughter Fell Out of Me." She also often appears on BLUNTmoms.
Then Steph from We Don't Chew Glass, which is a title to ponder from several different angles. Here's Mommy's favorite post of hers: "10 Tips on How to Be a Person." Much-needed advice for our troubled times. She's an inconsistent perfectionist, a writer of rubbish, a mother of three, and wife of one. She says that if you find brutal honesty, foul language, or bathroom humor offensive, you should stay away because she's contagious. I can confirm because my mommy's infected. 
Be sure to check them out next week!
Zoe: 52; Universe: 0


  1. This is the most entertaining post on the writing process that I have read yet. Zoe definitely has her mom's wit! An ungodly mix of Jane Goodall and Tina Fey - that line is brilliant. And one I could certainly apply to myself, to the dismay of my kids.

  2. I *love* Susan, Carrie, and Steph! Good choices all around. And I have actually met Carrie in real life, though I have an annoying tendency to call her "Ponies." She is as adorable as you'd imagine!

  3. Ponies and MartinisJuly 15, 2014 at 7:39 PM

    I am pretty excited about the blog tour. I don't know if I'll be able to live up to the awesomeness of this post, but at least I have lined up some fabulous women to pass the torch to.

  4. Elizabeth CatalanoJuly 18, 2014 at 8:40 AM

    Thanks, Ponies! Can't wait to read it.

  5. Elizabeth CatalanoJuly 18, 2014 at 8:40 AM

    Ha, I just called her Ponies as well. It's so hard not to. It just rolls off the tongue. Thanks for coming by.

  6. Elizabeth CatalanoJuly 18, 2014 at 8:41 AM

    Thanks, Dana!

  7. A mix of Jane Goodall and Tina Fey actually sounds much closer to best friend material than Elsa, but that's just my opinion :) Loved this post!