Thursday, January 5, 2017

Zoe vs. 2017: A Six-Year-Old's New Year's Resolutions

Happy New Year! December was busy, what with me shopping for the presents on Zoe's list, wrapping those presents, and then listening to the sound of my world crumbling when Zoe told me she'd written a new list. But now we're back and raring to go with our New Year's resolutions!
Mine are the usual pipe dreams about sleeping in on Saturday mornings, drinking coffee while it's hot, and showering without interruption. But, truth be told, since I first started reporting on Zoe's resolutions (see 2014's here, 2015's here, and last year's here), life with Zoe has been getting easier regarding certain quality-of-life issues. She's more independent and able to occupy herself. By that I mean, change the channel on the TV. So I'm no longer at her beck and call as much as I used to be.
However, there are new challenges. Most relate to the specific hell that is making sure she does her homework.
Zoe's in first grade. This means each night she has ten minutes of homework that she stretches into an hour that feels like twenty-four. The crying and carrying on, the drama and emotional upheaval. You'd think we were shoving bamboo up her fingernails instead of asking her to subtract.
Unsurprisingly, many of Zoe's resolutions for 2017 have to do with avoiding homework.

A Six-Year-Old's New Year's Resolutions

Zoe's New Year's Resolutions for 2017
1. Take acting classes since Mommy remains unconvinced of the cruel torment I suffer when I'm asked how many apples Seth originally had if Molly took 25 and he now has 42. I don't know. A lot of apples. Whatever. The bigger question, the one no one but me is asking, is why does he have that many apples? Is he going to eat all of them? That's crazy. Are they red apples? I don't like green. And why did Molly take 25? Did she steal them? That's bad. Even if Seth is a selfish apple hoarder. The ethical issues are being treated like they're beside the point when to my mind they're the main point. At least, they should be. Or what kind of world is my generation inheriting from the Mommys and Daddys with their surfeit of apples?
2. Get all the Legos. Especially the ones that come in pink or purple boxes. Pink is my favorite color. Also purple, violet, red, and white. And rainbow.
3. Learn how to fall so when I throw myself on the floor in front of Mommy when she tells me to do homework I won't really hurt myself, though naturally I will feign grievous injury. (Note to self: confirm  your dominant hand since last time you cradled the wrong one, and Mommy said you could still write the answer about Seth and his stupid apples.)
4. Get all the powers so no one can defeat me, even Universe World Rainbow Everything Anything power.* And ones no one's even heard of.
5. Teacher keeps saying I need to follow the destructions.** This year I plan to make my own destructions and follow those.
6. Defeat boredom. Mostly by avoiding homework. And by sighing a lot and saying "so boring," anytime I'm doing something that's unhappy. Whether that something is boring or not is irrelevant, like brushing my teeth.
7. Don't go to any more movies. My aunt, Connecticut grandma, and my cousins forced me to see a movie in a theater against my will. Admittedly the movie was pleasant. But I told Mommy I won't go to theaters because they're dark and big and she could lose me.
8. Work on my trust issues.
9. Try new and exotic foods. Haha. Nah. Maybe I'll take one bite of a green apple as long as I can immediately spit it out into Mommy's hand. Apples = boring.
10. Get woke. This was something I heard another Mommy talking about in 2016. My understanding is I'm to wait in my bed on Saturdays mornings for someone to come wake me up, that way I can get woke, not wake myself. Mommy needs her sleep if she's to be a match for my acting skillz.
Mommy says I'm the product of a post-truth era. But truth or lies---what matters?---as long as I'm not bored.
Happy new year! I hope you get all the Legos you asked for.

Zoe: 152; Universe: 0

* She says this all the time. I think she might really have this power.
** She gets this word mixed up with the word "instructions." Perhaps that's not an accident.

For more of Zoe's hijinks, follow me on Facebook and on Twitter at @zoevsuniverse
I need a win here, people. 

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  1. I want to get woke too. 😋

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