Zoe vs. All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten

Remember Robert Fulghum? Maybe not his name but you remember his poem-cum-poster-cum-book-cum-musical-cum-blockbuster-CGI-animated-movie-trilogy.

It's basically the Golden Rule, but more so. All we really need to know, he said, we learned in kindergarten. 

Sure, it's true that we could all do with the occasional nap, and who would say no to milk and cookies? Besides the lactose intolerant. Or, wait, are there peanuts in those cookies? Or were they packaged in a factory that ever held the word "peanut" suspended in its recirculated air? Then keep them to yourself, you bastard!

But I'm losing the thread here. See, Zoe graduated from kindergarten this week. And that's why I was reminded of Fulghum's words and wondered if they were still relevant to today's kindergartener. Say, one evil genius in training like Zoe.

So let's see how Fulghum's wisdom nuggets stack up against what Zoe's learned this past year.

A word of caution: Zoe thinks the Golden Rule is for chumps. Keeping that in mind, here's what his list says, with Zoe's responses.

All Zoe Really Needs to Know She Learned in Kindergarten Sort Of

1. "Share everything." Define "everything."

2. "Play fair."  You mean when an adult is watching?

3. "Don't hit people." See #2.

4. "Put things back where you found them." Someone else's backpack, lunchbox, or hand.

5. "Don't take things that aren't yours." Oops.

6. "Say sorry when you hurt someone." Again, see #2.

"Gitt 'er" or even goiter would be better than glitter.

7. "Wash your hands before you eat." I eat with my right hand so that's the one I wash. 

8. "Flush." Solids. Pee's okay, especially if you don't even wipe.

9. "Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you." This is a trick, right?

10. "Live a balanced life. Learn some and drink some and draw some and paint some and sing and dance and play and work some." Some what?

This one speaks for itself regarding the development of her artistic sensibility, but I'm
also wondering why "favourite" gets the British spelling here when it didn't above.

11. "Take a nap every afternoon." Pass. 

12. "When you go out in the world, watch for traffic, hold hands, and stick together." Mommy said to keep my hands to myself. She doesn't like when I'm sticky either.

13. "Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the styrofoam cup. The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why." Photosynthesis.

14. "Goldfish and hamster and white mice and even the little seed in the styrofoam cup, they all die. So do we." You're harshing my buzz, Bob.

15. "Remember Dick and Jane books and the first word you learned. It was the most important word of all: 'Look.'" Don't tell me, because I know what's coming next. "But don't touch." Right?

"Make planets"?! Better than "Destroy," I guess.

The truth is Zoe learned a lot this past year or, as she has it, "lrned." Reading and writing. Addition and subtraction. Drawing. Comparing size and shape. Minions.

Most of all, Minions. 

Yes, because along with her ABCs she picked up some other bits of knowledge. It was her first year at the big school, with older kids, and so she also learned some things I would rather she not have learned.

Like what zombies are, for instance. 

Clown by Seurat by Zoe. Nightmares solely by Zoe.

"Zombies eat brains," she told me early in her second semester. How did you hear about zombies? I asked her. Her shrug implied "around." So here's another list.

All the Stuff Zoe Didn't Need to Know That She Learned in Kindergarten

1. How to "whip" as well as how to "nae nae." 

2. All the words to "Uptown Funk." 

3. Did I mention Minions? She also learned the Minion language, Minionese. (She refuses to say banana with the accents on the correct syllables.)

4. How to manipulate other children into "sharing" their snacks. 

5. How to kill zombies. ("You have to hit them in their heads.")

6. How to use and abuse glitter. And glue. And markers.

7. Lots of cute songs she's apparently learned but that she won't sing for me preferring to make up her own songs like "I like to kill the things I love." (I'm not making this up.)

8. How to have fun and be the best Zoe she can be.

Watch out, first grade!

Photosynthesis, playa!

Zoe: 140: Universe: 0

If you're like Zoe and like "Uptown Funk," you might also like my parody of it 

here in Zoe vs. Uptown Funk.

For more of Zoe's hijinks, follow me on Facebook and on Twitter at @zoevsuniverse. 

I need a win here, people. 

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