Lately, I have not been allowed to look at Zoe when she's enjoying herself.
Zoe dancing: "Don't look at me!"
Zoe singing: "No listening!"
Zoe watching Frozen when the stirring emotions of "Let It Go" overtake her, and she looks up to see me watching her: "Can you go away?"
I'm not allowed to take photos or video of her when she's smiling and happy. I have a lot of pictures of her frowning. That's if she even stays still for the picture and doesn't run at me with her hand up, or dart away just as I snap the photo so all I capture is a strand of blond hair at the edge of the frame.
Her embarrassment reached an apex recently. All in regard to the song "Uptown Funk." She loves "Uptown Funk." She sings it to herself, especially at night in the bath. While I lurk outside the bathroom door, because if I go in, I get yelled at, and all joy flees.
So Zoe may whine and cry and get mad, but I prefer to channel my emotions in a more productive fashion: by writing parodies. Today I give you "Pint-size Punk."
Pint-size Punk
This kid, five-year-old
Like Caillou, can't be told.
This one for them sad mamas
Them mad mamas
Fallin' to pieces
Photo? No go.
Pathetic Facebook timeline
Got socks on with no pants.
From your camera make a beeline.
Don't look! (no ma'am)
Drop your eyes, and that camera, man
Don't look! (no ma'am)
Ain't no fodder for your Instagram
Don't look! (no ma'am)
Turn around, you know how I am
Don't look! (no ma'am)
In the corner see Mommy
Breaking down
Mom, can you go away now? (Shoo!)
Mom, can you go away now? (Shoo!)
Mom, can you go away now? (Shoo!)
Cause pint-size punk ain't gon' pose for you
Cause pint-size punk ain't gon' pose for you
Cause pint-size punk ain't gon' pose for you
Saturday night, I won't leave the park
Climbing too high, don't watch
Crazy dangerous, don't watch
Falling down now, don't watch
Ripped my new pants, don't watch
Trying to dance now, don't watch
Enjoying myself, don't watch
Hey, hey, hey oh!
Stop.
Wait a minute.
Fill my cup, put some juice in it
Take a sip, gobble gummis,
Mommy, pick me up
Playground, restaurant, Grandma's house, do what I want
Leave me alone, drop that phone
Singing with my Frozen microphone
Don't look! (no ma'am)
Drop your eyes, and that camera, man
Don't look! (no ma'am)
Ain't no fodder for your Instagram
Don't look! (no ma'am)
Avert your gaze, you know how I am
Don't look! (no ma'am)
In the corner see Mommy
Breaking down
Mom, can you go away now? (Shoo!)
Mom, can you go away now? (Shoo!)
Mom, can you go away now? (Shoo!)
Cause pint-size punk ain't gon' pose for you
Cause pint-size punk ain't gon' pose for you
Cause pint-size punk ain't gon' pose for you
Saturday night, and we in the bath
Splashing around, don't watch
Water all over, don't watch
Sing my song now, don't watch
Slip and fall now, don't watch
I'm Queen Elsa, don't watch
My hands shoot ice, don't watch
Hey, hey, hey oh!
Before I brush my teeth
Lemme tell y'all a lil' something
Put. The. Camera. Down. Put the camera down
Put. The. Camera. Down. Put the camera down
I said, Put the camera down, put the camera down
Put the camera down, put the camera down
I'm gonna dance
Don't film it
If you listenin', don't hear it
If I'm creepin', don't fear it
Don't cry about it, come dress me
On the bed
Jump on it
Uneaten dinner, I want it
Well it's Saturday night and we're not going to bed.
Don't believe me? Just watch.
[Repeat refrain]
Zoe: 117; Universe: 0
Zoe: 117; Universe: 0
For more of Zoe's hijinks, follow me on Facebook and on Twitter at @zoevsuniverse.
I need a win here, people.
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