Thursday, June 4, 2015

Zoe vs. One Possible Future: #MiddleSchoolAwkward

Tomorrow I'm headed to my first blogging conference: Blog U 2015. So while I'm busy making preparations (aka, subjecting myself to social-anxiety desensitization through a self-created program of meditative mantras interspersed with vomiting), Zoe's taking over.
The theme of this year's Blog U Conference is Middle School Awkward, and all participants were invited to share photos of themselves from those awkward ages between 11 and 14.
I shared my own. Most laughed. I did too. Not so Zoe.
Here's why. . . .

When I first saw these pictures of Mommy, I thought, with growing alarm: Is this my future? Because if so: O-M-G!
If you haven't seen them, here they are:
Sixth grade

Is this supposed to be "dressing for the job you want"? If so, Mommy clearly wanted to be a supreme court justice.

Seventh grade

I call this one "Sad Rainbow." Mommy says she looks like Luke Skywalker mixed with Prince Valiant. I don't know what those words mean but I suppose I could live with being royal, even if I end up looking like a dude.

Eighth grade

This one's just a shame.
First, what's with the head tilt?
Next, what are those dots all over her face? Is that why she's a total maniac about sunscreen? And, wait, wasn't she sort of blond in the other photos? WHAT IS HAPPENING?
Argh!! And, dear God, what is that metal thing on her teeth? I see now why she didn't smile in the other photos. Is that the thing Mommy's been warning me about if I won't submit to the dentist? But I don't want my teeth to go to prison!

So now you see why I can't laugh at these photos, as it may be my terrible fate to become a dark-haired boy with metal teeth and spots on my face.
If I have to be a boy, I hope I look more like Daddy. Hopefully he was less of a freakshow in middle school.

Editor's note: We'll see about that. Daddy, pictures please.
In the meantime, I'll leave you with this masterpiece. I call it: "This Is Corn."

Zoe: 95; Universe: 0

For more of Zoe's hijinks, follow me on Facebook and on Twitter at @zoevsuniverse
I need a win here, people. 
To find out if my face explodes this weekend from sheer awkwardness, click here to subscribe. I promise you won't get face on your hands.


  1. Just not gonna say anything.

  2. jocelyn @ the home tomeJune 5, 2015 at 4:06 AM

    You put the awwww in awkward - so cute. I always wanted freckles, so I would have been very envious of you. (Then again, I wanted glasses and braces Looking fwd to meeting you soon! Am loving your blog :)

  3. Elizabeth CatalanoJune 5, 2015 at 5:49 AM

    Just get me those pictures so we can fight it out.

  4. Elizabeth CatalanoJune 5, 2015 at 5:50 AM

    You're so kind. I hated my freckles. Ugh. Glasses and braces? You would've been the whole package. Looking forward to meeting you too! Thanks!