Thursday, April 9, 2015

Zoe vs. the Eighties: "Livin' on a Prayer"

I was a child of the eighties. Before we got our Panasonic with the built-in cassette player, my sister and I had to hold a tape recorder up to the radio to record hot hits like "Always Something There to Remind Me" by Naked Eyes and "I'm Still Standing" by Elton John. The first 45 I ever bought (older folks will know what I'm talking about) was "The Warrior" by Scandal. I used to sing it in the shower. Still do. (Bang! Bang!)

A long time ago . . . this device took
sounds from the air. And played them back.

Zoe was born in 2010. So she'll never know the particular pleasure of catching a song you like on the radio just as it starts. Or the suspense as you wait for the DJ to stop talking so you can press record. She'll be able to download her favorite songs for 99 cents.
She's growing up in the age of iTunes and DVRs and everything On Demand. By the time she's a teenager, I imagine, there will be hovercrafts, interactive holograms, and robots that can make your tea just the way you like it.
In such a brave new world, will Zoe ever know what it is to wait for things? Will she know the suffering of always missing the beginning to "Say It Isn't So" by Hall and Oates so you end up with several truncated versions on your mixed tape? Will she know good music?
Like Freddie Mercury said, she wants it all, and she wants it now.
Waiting in general is bad enough, but waiting her turn? Sharing a toy?
Because no matter how much technology has advanced, I suspect that having to share will always be "a thing."

Deploying the Keds-to-crotch maneuver,
Billy recovers his truck.

As I often do when I'm brooding about the future and feeling as if time is just slipping through my hands like something slippery, I turn to Bon Jovi for wisdom. 
Speaking of slippery (segue alert!), Bon Jovi's album Slippery When Wet came out in 1986. And one of its big singles was "Livin' on a Prayer."
So in honor of the eighties and Zoe's aversion to sharing, I've rewritten the lyrics.  And retitled it "I Don't Wanna Share."

A tale of two hairdos.

"I Don't Wanna Share"
(to the tune of "Livin' on a Prayer" by Bon Jovi)

Tommy's sitting playing with blocks
She knocks them down
Then takes his truck
Says, tough, kid, tough

Sophie rides her trike in Z's way
Z demands a turn
Pushes her off
She shoves, and shoves

Says, I'm gonna hold on to what you've got
Doesn't make a difference if it's yours or not
It's in my hands, you little snot
Hands off, or I'll give you a shot

Whoa, I'll pull your hair
Whoa-oh, I don't wanna share
Take back your toy? I'll break it, I swear 
Whoa-oh, I don't wanna share

Justin's sitting spinning a top
It lights up, she's there
She's grabbing it now
She's rough. So rough. 

Sophie tries to take it away
Zoe cries out her plight
Mommies yell: 
No way! Fair play!

She's gonna hold on to what she's got
It doesn't make a difference if it's hers or not
It's in her hands, along with some snot
Toys: She wants them a lot!

Whoa, no halvsies, I swear
Whoa-oh, I don't wanna share
About taking turns, you know I don't care
Whoa-oh, I don't wanna share

I don't want to share.

She's gonna hold on, her toy or not
She lives for the fight, as if this toy's all she's got.

(Chorus till fade-out)

Zoe: 87; Universe: 0

For more of Zoe's hijinks, follow me on Facebook and on Twitter at @zoevsuniverse
I need a win here, people. 

To get a backstage pass to all the hottest beats, click here to subscribe.


  1. Haha, you are always so clever. I remember those tape decks! And now I have several (fun) 80s songs stuck in my head. ;)

  2. Elizabeth CatalanoApril 13, 2015 at 7:31 AM

    Thanks.... and you're welcome. ;)

  3. How weird is it that I had this stuck in my head yesterday??

  4. Bon Jovi is always with us, like Jesus, if Jesus died for arena rock instead of sins.

  5. Then you know what I'm talking about. I don't even have a cassette player anymore but I don't want to throw out my mixed tapes. They are sacred.

  6. Oh yes, I definitely know. I still have over 100 tapes in a trunk. At some point I got a doohickey that allows me to rip them to mpeg files, and I've recovered a few that way, but it takes so darn long and who has the time?

  7. Elizabeth CatalanoApril 14, 2015 at 1:35 PM

    Exactly. Plus the quality is bad and I can probably find them on iTunes, even the one-hit wonders. But still, there's something sentimental about them, even the DJ's voices from defunct radio stations.

  8. Brilliant! I was singing along in my head. When are you making a video? I'll get some fluorescent scrunchies and sing back up.

  9. Elizabeth CatalanoApril 14, 2015 at 5:24 PM

    Haha. I might take you up on that!

  10. Steph@DontChewGlassApril 14, 2015 at 7:40 PM

    HOLY CRAP I FREAKING LOVE THIS! And it's going to be in my head for the next week.

  11. Elizabeth CatalanoApril 15, 2015 at 4:59 AM

    Thanks and you're welcome! ;)

  12. This is fantastic and I'm gonna have a blast recording it for you!

  13. Elizabeth CatalanoApril 15, 2015 at 9:53 AM

    Thanks, Linda! Anything I can do. Besides, singing. Or playing an instrument. Since I can't do either.

  14. Love it!

    And I also loved Scandal's Warrior. Playing in my head now.

    And Freddie...well, my kids know Bon Jovi, Queen, Billy Joel...Raising 'em right, I tell ya!

  15. Teaching them about 80s bands is right up there with teaching them right from wrong, is what I always say. I think Dr. Spock did too.

  16. Haha! This is hilarious and might actually become my son's new theme song. Sigh.

  17. Elizabeth CatalanoApril 15, 2015 at 5:20 PM

    Haha. I'm all about improving quality of life for all.

  18. This is so funny! And I can relate as I am currently parenting a 2 yo and 6 yo. I often think about things they will never experience that I did. My six year old asked me the other day: "Momma, what is that big book?" I told her, "It's a phone book." To which she replied, "What's a phone book?" Enough said. ;)

  19. Haha, thanks. And rotary phones. Though who has them anymore. Or maybe phones with cords. Grandma still has one of those. It's a brave new world.

  20. Haha!! Never will my kids know the Keds to the crotch maneuver. Now it is all about the Chucks! This is one of my all time fave songs, ever. Good remake Mom :) Now where is the video?

  21. Haha, thanks. I'm working on it. Or, rather, a friend is working on recording it. No one wants to hear me sing.