Friday, April 17, 2015

Zoe vs. Shameless Self-Promotion: The BigGER Book of Parenting Tweets

So Mommy is in a book. It's called The BigGER Book of Parenting Tweets, and it's a collection of tweet jokes, snarky one-liners, and real-life conversations with kids like me. Also, there are drawings. What's a book without drawings, after all? (That wasn't rhetorical. I really don't get it.)

Buy it here.

Anyway Mommy's supposed to be promoting the book, but she's acting as if she's humble and it's difficult for her to toot her own horn (a phrase that has nothing to do with farting, by the way). So she's left it to me.
Because, according to Mommy, I am shameless. Evidence for this is how I like to run around naked shaking my booty. Also, I am fast and the best ever at spinning, jumping, and the general Doing of Things. And I've got super dance moves. Not sure why this should be considered shameless when it's just the truth.
The other reason I'm doing this is to set the record straight. Mommy thinks she's funny but really it's all me. I'm the one she's either directly quoting in her so-called humor or whose wacky antics she's detailing. So I'm the source. 
Mommy may joke about how thankless motherhood is, but we both know who should be thanking who. Let's face it, the woman owes me everything. Every moment with me is a constantly unfolding gift of LOLZ interspersed with tableaus of glistening gauzy-veiled contentment.
I am an angel. Just look at my face when I'm sleeping. (And only then--Editor's note) No, wait, don't do that; that's creepy. 
Anyway back to The BigGER Book of Parenting Tweets. It comes out today and it's filled with tweets from Mommy, along with about 50 other moms and dads who also fancy themselves to be funny. Forgive them their sleep-deprived delusions.
It's the second volume, the first being The Big Book of Parenting Tweets, and was again edited and compiled by three all-star mommies: Kate Hall from Hall of Tweets and Norine Dworkin-McDaniel and Jessica Ziegler from Science of Parenthood. Jessica Ziegler also did the illustrations, including one of me, so she's my favorite. (Holla!)
In case you're living under a rock and you don't know what tweets are, they are bite-size blasts of humor originally appearing on Twitter, whatever that is.

The original Tweeter, relaxing @home.

Here are 7 reasons why you should buy this book if you're a parent, or if you like things that are funny, or if you want to support my candy habit:
1. Tweets are short. Your children are short. You love your children. Presumably. Therefore you will love these tweets.
2. Speaking of short, children have short attention spans. Just like . . . whatever I was talking about.
3. Daddy's patience? Short.
4. Mommies are short-tempered. Especially by bedtime or if they miss a snack.
5. Tweets have a maximum of 140 characters. Your child displays the same number daily.
6. Tweets are good if you're pressed for time, and who isn't these days? Maybe if I don't get a turn on the tricycle right now, Emma, the world will end. (Or yours will, Emma. #NotAThreatAPromise) Maybe, as a parent, you only have a few seconds between answering our demands and whatever it is you do when you're not answering our demands, and you need a humorous jolt to the system, like word-caffeine.
7. Or maybe your short person needs you to sit next to them, quietly, while they're on the bowl, musing over whether their butt is finished or not, and if they really need to wipe, and who should do the aforementioned wiping, and so you need to hide behind some reading material. Or maybe you're on the bowl or pretending to be---I know your tricks---and need to laugh so you don't cry.
Still don't think this book is for you? Should I point to my need for candy again? You don't want to disappoint me. Trust me on this. Better yet, ask Emma.
Zoe: 88; Universe: 0
For more of Zoe's hijinks, follow me on Facebook and on Twitter at @zoevsuniverse
I need a win here, people. 

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  1. Norine Science of ParenthoodApril 17, 2015 at 8:48 AM


  2. Zoe, tell Mommy I said congratulations. Well deserved!

  3. I have to admit
    Her tiny booty is cute
    Bony and teensy. (Haiku)

  4. Congratulations! You SHOULD toot your own horn now and then!

  5. Thanks! Tooooot!

  6. Nice one, hon! She gets it from you. Definitely not from me.

  7. Thank you!

  8. The Dose of RealityApril 19, 2015 at 8:22 AM

    SO exciting!! Tell Zoe that she did an excellent job of selling her mommy! She definitely wins the day! Congratulations! :)-Ashley

  9. Thanks, Ashley! So glad you ladies are back.

  10. Woot! Woot! Tweet! Tweet! Stoked to be in this with you, girl!

  11. Elizabeth CatalanoApril 20, 2015 at 4:59 PM

    Same here, lady!

  12. Thanks, Cassandra!