Thursday, June 7, 2018

Zoe vs. the TV Viewing Habits of the Average North American Octogenarian.* Or, The Legend of the Fifth Golden Girl

Could Zoe be the fifth Golden Girl? That's kind of like the fifth Beatle, but with more sass and possibly more estrogen, depending on how well hormone replacement therapy is going. In any case, I'm basing this theory on Zoe's TV viewing habits, which are a lot like a senior citizen's.

Or, The Legend of the Fifth Golden Girl

Take, Wheel of Fortune, for example, traditionally everyone's grandma's favorite show. It comes on after Jeopardy!, which the Husband and I watch, and Zoe's bath time is generally right after Final Jeopardy! If we're not quick enough to change the channel, Zoe is begging to delay her bath so she can watch just one more puzzle on Wheel of Fortune, and when she grudgingly surrenders and goes to her bath she wants us to leave the Wheel on so we can tell her who won.
Exhibit B: Reality cooking shows. When visiting relatives, Zoe is famous for her request that they leave the TV on in the bedroom when she goes to bed so she can "watch a little bit of her cooking shows" before she goes to sleep. Chopped, MasterChef, MasterChef Junior. All she needs is a jar of Vicks on the nightstand and a hot water bottle for her sciatica and she'd be a contented tiny senior citizen.
Exhibit C: Other reality shows. American Ninja Warrior and maybe even Superhuman might put her in a younger viewing demographic, but then the other night I was flipping through the channel guide and she suddenly yelled, "Shark Tank!" This is a show that is struggling with the under fifties. Draw your own conclusions.
Have I been sounding like I'm presenting a case? That's probably because the clincher showing her inner advanced age is that she absolutely loves Judge Judy.
I don't know how this happened but she can't get enough of tough-talking, no-nonsense Judge Judy Scheindlin.
Judge Judy is Zoe's spirit animal.
After I refused to watch Shark Tank the other night I capitulated on Judge Judy. Half from pity, half from amazement.
Let me set the scene. . . .
Picture it: Brooklyn, two nights ago.
Zoe couldn't sleep because she was having pains in her legs. With her factual age being seven, I figured these were actually growing pains and not sciatica, but there I was, sitting on the couch with my little young old lady, rubbing her calves while she watched Judge Judy try to settle a dispute between some young man and his baby mama.
Zoe was enthralled. Judge Judy judges behavior under the law, not morals. She just wants to get the facts straight when she's asking about the baby mama's other kid, the one who is not, in fact, related to the defendant. But at issue here is, who has rights to the dog?
I'm not sure what Zoe learned by the end of the episode, but her satisfied sigh as she watched told me, just like Sophia Petrillo, she's seen it all before.

Zoe: 184; Universe: 0

*Okay, so technically only Estelle Getty's character, Sophia, was supposed to be eighty years old, and I know none of the actresses were actually even close to eighty, but in my defense, octogenarian is a funny word. I rest my case.
If you enjoyed this post, you may enjoy Zoe vs. Dr. Phil.

For more of Zoe's hijinks, follow me on Facebook and on Twitter at @zoevsuniverse
I need a win here, people. 

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