Thursday, May 17, 2018

Zoe vs. the Royal Wedding: Wedding Announcements for Disney's Royal Couples

Charles and Di got married when I was nine. You may think as a nine-year-old girl I would've been interested in royal weddings and princesses. Alas, no. All I remember is the wedding was boring, my cartoons were pre-empted, and Princess Di had a long-ass train that seemed like it would make using the bathroom a three-bridesmaid job.
The next British royal wedding was William and Kate's, about a year after Zoe was born. Zoe didn't care because she was an infant. I didn't care because I was busy with an infant, but probably wouldn't have cared anyway.
Now, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are set to tie the knot on Saturday, and as it turns out, I still don't care. Even though the Royals really tried to attract new subscribers with the whole twenty-first-century update of a biracial American bride who was married before. Edgy!
Anyway, it got me thinking about the whole princess fantasy young girls have or are supposed to have and that I didn't have. And as for Zoe, with Frozen arriving on the scene during her early years, she leapfrogged right over "princess" to queen. Plus, she informs me, she is not going to get married, and if she wants a baby, she will simply buy one. And who am I to discourage her future black-market-shopper ambitions?
So today, in honor of the royal wedding I  don't care about, I present a send-up of those smug wedding announcements you see in the newspaper, but with Disney royalty.

Princess Aurora and Prince Philip
Princess Aurora, aka Sleeping Beauty, and Prince Philip were married in the Kingdom, May fifth, once upon a time. Having been promised to Prince Philip when they were both well below the age of consent, Aurora was raised in secret as well as in ignorance in a secluded part of the woods, which turned out to be a ten-minute walk from her parents' castle.

OMG, if you go back to sleep, will you finally stop talking?

All the secrecy had to do with the Mighty Whammy put on her as a baby by a snubbed christening guest with a knack for the dark arts. So the bride lived the first fifteen and eleven months of her life in a hidden cabin with three magical fairies who somehow made it fifteen years without revealing their magic though it seems doubtful they could've gone for fifteen minutes without using it, until, in a meet-cute for the ages, shortly before her sixteenth birthday (note: still below the age of consent), she was singing in the forest, dancing with an owl in a cape, and in general cavorting with woodland creatures when Prince Philip, wandering by, heard her, crept up behind her, and started dancing with the girl who, unbeknownst to him, was the baby who'd been promised to him in matrimony when he was a toddler.
They flirted a bit, Aurora played coy, and before you could say Bibbity Bobbity Boo---which you wouldn't, unless you were mixing up your stories---Aurora's whereabouts were discovered by the snubbed guest's pet raven, she went into a trance, pricked her finger on a spindle, and fell into a coma, and in order for the lovers to be together, Philip had to kill a dragon and then kiss Aurora to wake her, and this time, before she could say, Whoa, still barely legal, people, she was sent down the aisle by parents she couldn't even remember, but anyway Prince Philip's father, King Hubert of the Other Kingdom, was happy because at long last this union improved his kingdom's economic prospects.
The bridegroom wore a cape and pouffy sleeves, while the bride wore a dress that kept changing colors, curiously none of them white.

Snow White and Prince Florian

I was dead, buddy, I didn't lose my legs.

Snow White and Prince Florian were married in Bavaria on Saturday, shortly after Prince Florian, out riding his horse aimlessly, discovered her dead body in a glass coffin in the woods and using his lips, and presumably some sort of necromancy, brought her back to life.
They'd first met an unspecified time before for about five minutes ("when you know you know," HRH says) when he was lurking near the bride's stepmother's castle and heard the girl singing. Following the tradition among unemployed princes, he snuck up on her and scared her---but in a cute way!---and then they never saw each other again until after she died from ingesting a piece of fruit that had gone bad.
The bride's parents are both deceased and, until she'd run away, shortly after meeting the prince, she'd lived with her stepmother, who died under suspicious circumstances while taking a stroll. On a cliff. During a thunderstorm. There are rumors she may have tried to poison her stepdaughter, but whether that was before or after the bride ran away and shacked up with seven men with adjectives for names is unclear.
Following the marriage, the bridegroom will continue to gambol about the woods, annoying the kingdom's hard-working citizenry, and the bride plans to whistle while watching others work. Gifts can be sent to the castle. No apples or Apple products, please.

Cinderella and Prince Charming
Cinderella and Prince Charming were married Sunday in the Magic Kingdom, the original one, not the one in Florida. The bride is from humble origins but her foot fit in a particular shoe and it is not our place to comment on the fetishes of royalty. The bride was not given away by her stepmother as much as reluctantly released from a locked room. Her two stepsisters could not make the wedding, too busy recovering from the longest ugly cry in the kingdom.
The bride's dress was made by herself, some local mice, and a little bit of magic. They will honeymoon in Milan during fashion week because shoes.

Next time, could you bring, like, the oldest pair of shoes you own?

Belle and Prince Adam
Belle, aka Beauty, married Prince Adam, lately known as the Beast, this past weekend in the Formerly Enchanted Castle, Somewhere, France. The bride was given away by her sometime-inventor/all-the-time crackpot father, Maurice. The bridegroom's parents are deceased, having died when he was still a boy, which lack of authority and guidance probably explains why he was such a dick to that enchantress when she dropped by, causing her to curse him.
In attendance were all the servants that were formerly home furnishings and dancing plates. Both the bride and the bridegroom are unemployed, though the bride fancies herself an autodidact, much good that'll do when the wolves are after you and your husband no longer sports claws.

Princess Jasmine and Aladdin
Princess Jasmine and Aladdin were married on Saturday in Agrabah, loosely based on Baghdad, following much gnashing of the teeth by the grand vizier, Jafar, who reportedly tried to upset the union using a magic lamp and a scheming parrot. The bride was given away by her father, the Sultan of Agrabah.
Following the ceremony the couple said they were going to take a ride on their magic carpet with the bridegroom's pet monkey, presumably a euphemism.

Ariel and Prince Eric
Ariel and Prince Eric were married in a surf and turf--themed wedding on Sunday. The bride was given away via a raised triton waved from the water by her mermaid father, the aptly named King Triton. Her sisters were also in attendance, as well as a talking crab, close confidante of and singing coach to the bride. The Prince was attended by his longtime aide, Grimsby. Dress was uniforms, fins, and scales. The bride was barefoot as she still can't get over the fact she has toes. The meal erred more on the turf side in deference to the guests that were fish.

Tiana and Prince Naveen

You'd think we'd be tired of green by now.

Tiana and Prince Naveen of Maldonia jumped the broom in New Orleans this past Tuesday night during Mardi Gras---for the second time, but the first as humans. (Their first wedding ceremony, presided over by hoodoo priestess Mama Odie, was performed while the bride and groom were still frogs.) Miss Tiana was formerly a waitress, and frog, as was the Prince, the frog part, not the waitress part. Their love story involves the usual adorable misunderstandings, mistaken identities, and voodoo curses. The bride was given away by her best friend's father Eli "Big Daddy" Le Bouff, noted sugar baron and masquerade giver, and as a wedding gift he invested in Tiana and the Prince's restaurant, Frog's Leg, which does not actually serve frog's legs since the couple spent their courtship as amphibians.

Zoe: 183; Universe: 0

 If you enjoyed this post, you may enjoy Zoe vs. Three Disney Princesses.

For more of Zoe's hijinks, follow me on Facebook and on Twitter at @zoevsuniverse
I need a win here, people. 

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