Thursday, March 5, 2015

Zoe vs. Social Media

Social media is a lot like a small child: Fun, difficult to master, and a scourge to time management.

Where did my day go?

I went on social media because of Zoe. Before she was born I wasn't even on Facebook. After, it just made sense, since it was the easiest way to share pictures with friends and family who either lived far away or were just as busy with tiny people and so, like us, couldn't meet for drinks anymore.
Then I started a blog.
Cue a dedicated Facebook page for the blog, plus accounts on Twitter, Google+, and Pinterest.
Recently I realized that each of these platforms remind me of parenting. And, at their extremes, share traits with my four-year-old. Traits that in a regular adult would be a mood disorder, or at least the sign of a vitamin deficiency. . . .

Facebook Megalomania 
Status reports are constant and vainglorious. Everyone look at me! Everyone like me! Kittens!---want one! See what I made, cooked, lifted over my head? My tummy hurts. I'll eat better tomorrow---frowny face emoticon. Someone was mean to me---two frowny face emoticons plus one crying emoji. Puppies!---need one! I'm so tired but I can't sleep. I need a night out away from these people. Look, two animals of different species who shouldn't be best friends but totally are!

Posting about your kids,
before Facebook.

Pinterest Pining (not a typo for "pinning")
I wish I could do that. I wish I had time, talent, energy, a flair for design. But also not really. Pinterest is like the Elysian Fields of myth: An ideal place where all the clothes fit and all the food is good and aesthetically pleasing. Within its colorful blocks of jollity you'll find a lifetime's worth of recipes/crafts/wonders that photograph like delightful fun except my uncoordinated heart knows better. My attempts to re-create these projects would most likely end in tears. Sticky tears. Of glue and shame.

Twitter Jitters
Just like childhood---supposedly---it all goes by too fast. Twitter parties are the extreme. They move faster than a tornado of overstimulated toddlers. Here's a real-time transcript of my thoughts when I do one: It's too much. I can't understand what's happening. I can't keep up. I'll never be able to figure this out. Dear @internet, I'm @overwhelmed. Send help @me. 

Google+ Ennui
Google+ reminds me of Zoe when it's raining and she stares out the window tracing droplets with her index finger. It's all one big sigh. Where is everyone? I hear echoes of laughter but when I turn, no one's there. 

Instagram Insufficiency
Because I'm not on Instagram. Most of the time Zoe hates when I take pictures of her. And I always forget my camera. Or if I do remember it, it's not charged. Are you starting to see why I'm such a natural with social media? @Luddite.

The constant tweeting tuckered her out.

StumbleUpon Vertigo
StumbleUpon is a site celebrating Legos and other small toy parts. Or so I made up in my head. It's also a good description for what happens when I tell Zoe to start getting ready for her bath. The road to the bathroom is lined with toys, and she must stop and greet each one like she's running for mayor of Toy Town, aka our living room.
I'd make Zoe (hahaha) pick up the toys, but first I'd need to take a picture to post in my Facebook feed. Which means, even before first, I need to find the camera. And charge it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I just got a Twitter notification.
Zoe: 82; Universe: 0

For more of Zoe's hijinks, follow me on Facebook and on Twitter at @zoevsuniverse
I need a win here, people. 

To get a regular, old-fashioned e-mail delivered to your inbox 
every Thursday, click here.

12 comments :

  1. Stephanie Mark LewisMarch 6, 2015 at 12:33 AM

    This was the bomb! I love the creative names you made up for each social media. And two species that shouldn't be friends but totally are-- Haha!! I love your blog--it's my newfound treasure.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Elizabeth CatalanoMarch 6, 2015 at 7:15 AM

    Thanks! You are my new favorite person!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Elizabeth CatalanoMarch 6, 2015 at 1:59 PM

    Thanks, and right? I don't get it. But I say that like I really "get" any of the others.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Perfect description of social media! :) #sitsblogging

    ReplyDelete
  5. Elizabeth CatalanoMarch 7, 2015 at 9:25 AM

    Thanks!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I read the Google is phasing out G+, so that's one less social media network to think about. Kind of a bummer since once I created a profile for my blog, I started to like it.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I swear if someone makes me join another social media thingy I will explode. I get twitter, Facebook (Yuck) Instagram, Google+ still a mystery but I manage to get stuff up there (I think) and Pinterest I love and I stick my blog posts there but I have no idea why as I thought Pinterest was for people to make pretty things and for me to loose myself for a day in. Yet so many have said I have to pin so I PIN!!!!!! YIKES!!!


    xoxoxo

    ReplyDelete
  8. Elizabeth CatalanoMarch 8, 2015 at 9:21 AM

    Really? I guess I'm relieved? I wonder what that means for Blogger though since that's my host.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Elizabeth CatalanoMarch 8, 2015 at 9:22 AM

    I know, right! I can't keep up.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Here's an article about it. No mention of blogger. http://mashable.com/2015/03/02/google-plus-changes/

    ReplyDelete
  11. "Sticky tears. Of glue and shame." That describes Pinterest to a T. Genius.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Elizabeth CatalanoMarch 11, 2015 at 1:27 PM

    Doesn't it though! Thanks.

    ReplyDelete