Thursday, March 26, 2015

Zoe vs. March Madness

March Madness is here.
No, I'm not talking about the breeding season of the European hare, aka, the March hare, which is what I'm sure you thought when you read the title of this post.

I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear you callin' me "mad."

I'm referring to that other March Madness, that shrinking violet of sporting events, the totally chill, don't-mind-me-over-here NCAA Basketball Championship Tournament known as March Madness. Because it ends in April. I know. Crazy.
If I had to pick which I liked best from among the following three choices: the month of March---y'know, the hanger-on month of seasonal affective disorder (SAD)---basketball, and totally bonkers stark-raving lunacy, I think I'd choose madness.
I dislike March.
March is when you've had enough of winter, and you can almost taste spring, and the cold's almost over. Except not. And add wind.
As for basketball, it's not my favorite sport. To watch or to play. I'm 5'3" and not a Muggsy Bogues 5'3". Someone blows a whistle and yells, "Traveling," and I'm all, Ooh, where are we going? Can I have a whistle?
Plus, I have no aim. And dribbling while also running? Sure, and why don't I chew some gum too, you monster?

Myrna despised the player, cared not a whit for the game.

So March madness drives me mad. Much like Zoe has upon occasion. In fact, I've noticed they share some things in common.
Here are the Sweet Sixteen Elite Eight, screw it, Ten---for the number of rounds,  or brackets, I don't know and don't tell me, I wear my ignorance like a badge---Ways March Madness is like living with a four-year-old:
1. There's a lot of running back and forth and I can't follow what's happening.
2. There are rivalries I don't understand. Giant men wearing blue and white feud with giant men wearing white and blue. Just like Zoe has a million fire trucks and some of them are "bad guys" and some are "good guys." How can anyone possibly tell which is which? Unless you're Zoe. And don't worry, she'll set you straight.
3. Personal, technical, and flagrant fouls occur with shocking frequency. Zoe drops an elbow, and when I call foul she fakes a fall and acts as if I tripped her.
4. My husband must often utilize a zone defense, the zone being his crotch.

Go, white and blue team!

5. She's the ultimate goaltender. Every time I think I've made progress, she's undoing my work. The other night, her goaltending was at its most literal as I brought food to my mouth, aka my basket, and she stuck her head in my face, ending up with hummus in her hair.
6. There are pick and rolls. Only the picks are of the nasal variety, and then she rolls all over the floor, avoiding my attempts to wipe her hands and face with a tissue.
7. If there's a Cinderella team, she wants to be on it. And to be Cinderella.
8. Bedtime find me shooting for an easy layup or, better yet, a slam dunk, but she keeps rebounding.
9. I can't watch my regular TV shows because she interrupts them.
. . . and finally, the way Zoe is most like March Madness . . .
10. There are a lot of upsets no one could have ever predicted.

Zoe: 85; Universe: 0

For more of Zoe's hijinks, follow me on Facebook and on Twitter at @zoevsuniverse
I need a win here, people. 

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  1. Having spent some time at UNC while my (now ex-husband) was at Duke I am legally required to follow March Madness and hope and pray that the Tarheels outlast Duke every single year. (Last night was not a good one for me). There are definitely a lot of upsets.

  2. Elizabeth CatalanoMarch 27, 2015 at 8:16 AM

    Clicks and buzzes, Cassandra. Haha. No, I guess I have heard of Tarheels but I have to ask my husband every year, who are they again?

  3. I don't understand March Madness and I don't follow NCAA Basketball (or any basketball for that matter). I always pick Kentucky because I they seem to be the only team that always makes it to March Madness, so I feel like it's a safe team to pick =) Visiting from SITS...this was a fun post to read!!

  4. See, I don't even know that! Thanks!