Thursday, February 19, 2015

Zoe vs. the Oscars, 2015

It's Oscar time again, and just like last year I'm pitting Zoe against each of the movies nominated for Best Picture. Who will win? (Spoiler: Zoe) Who will lose? (Another spoiler: Me). Will I be able to watch any of it? (Unlikely.)
The Grand Budapest Hotel. I'm starting with this because it's the only movie I actually saw. Just like Zoe it's got an offbeat sort of charm interspersed with abrupt mood shifts and sudden violence. It features a main character with heart and panache, causing you to overlook their idiosyncrasies.
The Theory of Everything. Zoe may have a brief history, but even Stephen Hawking would be hard-pressed to explain it, let alone come up with any kind of Unified Theory. Zoe subverts the laws of physics. She is the ultimate black hole in which time both speeds up and slows down. She is the cause of most big bangs (at least in our apartment). Just when you think you've got hold of her, she's slipped away, leaving a quantum signature in the form of mucus and the grease from buttered noodles.

Black hole or close-up view of Zoe's soul left eye?

The Imitation Game. I spend an inordinate amount of time trying to crack Zoe's code and it's completely thankless as she accuses me of crimes that aren't actually crimes and tries to put me in timeout. 
American Sniper. You'll have to ask Daddy for the total number of "kill shots" to his groin, but I understand she's an excellent markswoman. Though it's disrespectful to actual war veterans, I'm also going to go ahead and claim we have PTSD.
Selma. No matter how long and how far I may walk, Zoe will never concede I have rights.
Whiplash. For drums we have pots and pans and wooden spoons. I thought she'd left this phase behind when she was a baby, but now that she "helps" me cook, Sheila E. has returned. Another parallel---I may work till my hands bleed but I'll never satisfy my little critic: not that outfit, not that dinner, you wiped my butt wrong. When I've displeased her, she's become so enraged at times I could swear she'd throw her booster seat at me if she could only plant her feet properly.

Whiplash was not a
biopic about Snidely.

Birdman. A black comedy, involving superpowers, real or imagined---which covers both myself and Zoe (mine are real). Zoe likes to race around after her bath with her towel around her like a cape. For my part, there's the exhilaration and tension that comes from being the idiot (spelled artiste) who tries to "do it all in one take." Corners are cut. Sometimes, whole lines of dialogue.
Boyhood. Substitute "girl" for "boy." Spare no expense. Take your time. It's a labor of love.
Prediction: Zoe, in a clean sweep, while I am snubbed yet again for Best Director.
Zoe: 80; Universe: 0

For more of Zoe's hijinks, follow me on Facebook and on Twitter at @zoevsuniverse
I need a win here, people. 

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  1. This is very funny! yeah, i don't think i'll get to watch the oscars either. i'm sure DisneyJr will win out. lol I'm going to try and use the "Look Princess dress!" ploy during the red carpet to get my daughter's hooked! Good luck! Cheers, Shana from

  2. That is an excellent plan.Thanks!

  3. I haven't seen the majority of these films, so I don't know if I'll be watching either. Maybe just the red carpet.

  4. If not the red carpet then maybe Fashion Police the next day!