Zoe vs. the Oscars

It probably goes without saying that Zoe will win the first skirmish, the one where the show vies with her for Mommy's attention. I put Zoe to bed between 8 and 9, so I'll definitely miss the first hour of the Oscar broadcast. And I may miss the subsequent six and a half hours of the show because lately I'm falling asleep in Zoe's bed and waking up much later only to face the decision of whether it's worth it to get up and crawl to my own bed or just stay where I am. (A full bladder is what usually decides me.)

Now if there were chocolate inside . . .

So now that I've said all the stuff that went without saying I'll get on with the stuff I planned to say, which is how parenting Zoe eerily matches the descriptions of all nine movies up for Best Picture, only one of which I've been able to see because I've been busy with-- well, it goes without saying. ( I mean it this time.) 

First I'll note that several of the movies nominated are based on true stories. I relate to that. In many ways my life with Zoe is also based on a true story. But there are even more parallels.

Pack a light cardigan because it's time for some goosebumps. . . .

Paper towels for everyone!

The Wolf of Wall Street: The use of voiceover (just like blogging!). A black comedy. Wasteful extravagance (I feel like I'm always throwing food away and that I should've invested in paper towels). Glitz and glamour (if your idea of glitz is the glisten of snot on your black so-well-worn-it's-diaphanous T-shirt and your idea of glamour is wearing the yoga pants without the hole in the crotch). Tantrums. An id out of control. Moral ambiguity. Gratuitous nudity (Zoe). Gratuitous potty mouth (Me: internal monologue). Life in a minimum security prison.

American Hustle: Con jobs and double crosses: check. Twisted morality: check. Falling out of clothes: check. Bad hair: check, please!

Dallas Buyers Club: See above but add cross-dressing, illegal border crossing, and smuggling. Possible redemption? Impossible to predict.

12 Years a Slave: At least it was just twelve. There's no end in sight for me. Daily I face violence and degradation and a lack of personhood. I know the frustration of living with someone who doesn't believe you no matter how many times you insist about your rights to use the bathroom by yourself or that, really, she likes that meal she's had a million times before but she still pushes the plate off her tray and onto the carpet and then stares at me in an imperious rage until I get on my knees and clean up her mess.

Finally. Me time.

Gravity: This is the one I actually saw. I already covered gravity itself in Zoe vs. the Laws of Physics, so I won't go all "hard science" on you again. Instead I'll just highlight the Birth Imagery: going fetal; first steps. Big Themes: like feeling alone and untethered in the vacuum of space, the cold beauty of nature, desperate bids for survival, hallucinations, everything coming at you at once (3D!) trying to destroy you. (At least the debris field in the movie orbits on a reliable frequency. Zoe's chaos does not conform to any schedule, though anecdotal evidence suggests she's purposely choosing the Most Inconvenient Time Ever.) Agoraphobia (do I really want to take her to the store with me?) versus claustrophobia (do I really want to be stuck inside the house with her all day?). Plus amazing sound effects.

Captain Phillips: Tagline for my movie: Zoe's not here to fish. Starring a lovable leading man who's in over his head (Husband). Illegal boardings (my lap, my back, my head). Seizure of property. Violent misunderstandings. Disputes over who's in charge ("That's my boat." "No, that's my boat."). Awkward accents.

Nebraska: You love an obstreperous person prone to bouts of confusion. You owe them. You must humor them. You must redefine winning. They frustrate you yet you feel compelled to love them.

Her: Sometimes I think I'm going crazy. Falling in love is kooky that way.

And, finally:

Philomena: Why it's all worth it. Because Zoe herself is far better than any award, accolade, or gold statuette with insanely rigid posture.

(Got you with that, didn't I? I zigged when you were expecting me to zag.)

Prediction: Zoe wins Oscars for Best Actress in a Leading Role, Sound Mixing, Best Animated Feature, and Best Short.

Zoe: 33; Universe: 0