Thursday, December 19, 2019

Zoe vs. Is It Inappropriate? AKA: The Day the LOLZ Died

Have you heard that last year's biggest toy for Christmas has a new line this year? And that some parents are not happy? First, if you don't know what LOL Surprise dolls are, let me explain.
LOL Dolls are tiny dolls with disproportionately huge heads (OMG SOOO CUTE!). They come inside little plastic balls that your child unwraps, revealing smaller (SURPRISE!) accessories---tiny outfits, little purses, and sunglasses---on the way to the big reveal of what doll you get. It's a collect-them-all Dantesque nightmare, just with tiny shoes that instantly (OMG!) get lost. Plus, glitter! 
Zoe got a whole bunch last year for Christmas. Did I mention they have THEMES! For instance: OMG! Fashion!, Glitter Glam!, and Swag!, all with exclamation points exactly where you'd think and also where you wouldn't think! But wait! There's more!

Don't let the big eyes fool you. They will LOL while they slit your throat.

There are also even smaller (AW!) Little Sister versions and pets, also with accessor!es. Some you put in water and their hair changes color . . . at which point the FUN! is just SO MUCH!... for about ten minutes. And then you lose one shoe from each pair.
But don't worry, you'll never ever lose the glitter! That's with you for life!
And because---viva la variety!---this year we have LOL Boys! And, LOL!! they are anatomically correct. That's right, ladies and gentlemen, maybe hold back one LOL! if you haven't yet had THAT conversation with Dear One, because what's getting unwrapped this Christmas is AWKWARD! Talk about a surprise package!

I censored the scandalous, I mean, God's beautiful teachable moment.

Naturally some parents are a tad upset.
Let's go back in time, shall we, to the days when toys were less LOL! and more Puritanical and no one was allowed to laugh quite as loudly---or if we did, we spelled it the right way, by God! Remember Ken and his neutered smoothness stored discreetly in hot pants? Though he did have a butt! And truly what is more old-fashioned lowercase lol than a butt for the under-ten set?
Well, that was so twentieth century. The twenty-first is all about dolls with tiny grape-like yet detailed constructions tucked into their tiny plastic hot pants. I wonder what happens when you put them in water?
All I can say is, add LOL Boys to Uncomfortable Topics for Christmas Dinner.
For extra credit, see if you can steer the conversation toward adjacent divisive topic circumcision! 
Now really what better toy can there be for a little girl like Zoe, who claims she can see cartoon characters' penises through their cartoon pants, and then asks me if that's inappropriate.
What does one say to this?
I'm really asking.
Because she asks me daily and my "It's okay, dear" is wearing thin but not as thin, apparently, as Snotlout Jorgenson's trousers in How to Train Your Dragon.
So if she gets one of these LOL Boys for Christmas she's likely to a) notice, b) comment on it, and c) point it out to strangers on line at CVS.
If Zoe was Haley Joel Osment in Sixth Sense, when she saw a dead person, the fact they were dead would not concern her as much as what they were wearing and whether it was revealing too much rotting skin.
So you'd think I'd be prepared and on high alert myself for inappropriateness, but nope. I recently put up four Art Deco prints in our bathroom and hadn't even noticed this one:

L Eau

Can we all see the butt of the gentleman coming out of the lake?

Le buttocks

Can we all guess who saw it immediately and zeroed in on it?
Then there's this one:

Le feu

Don't see anything? Look at the vase.

Le hermaphrodite?

Two more to go. See any problems?

La Terre

No? Look again. Those trees have boobs.

Le arbre a seins

Zoe is now calling them boob trees.
Personally I think she's reaching with the last one, but she swears she can see butts in the clouds.

L Air

Well, maybe.

Le tushie

But I'd argue that that's the only image she ever sees in clouds. Whenever this child looks up, I suspect that all she sees are cloud-butts and boobs in trees. Maybe she should keep her eyes on the ground. Where there are puddles. Shaped like penises.

Zoe: 195; Universe: 0
If you enjoyed this post, you may enjoy this Christmas post: Zoe vs. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.
For more of Zoe's hijinks, follow me on Facebook and on Twitter at @zoevsuniverse
I need a win here, people. 

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