Thursday, March 30, 2017

Zoe vs. Two Truths and Lie

Previously on Zoe vs. the Universe, we spoke about games people play in the car. Since that time, Zoe has become obsessed with these types of games. We must play them every day: to and from school, during her bath, and before bed.
Her new favorite is Two Truths and Lie.
It all started about a week ago when she wanted me to guess when she was lying, offering me low-hanging fruit like "I'm in the bath" or "I'm a mermaid." Not exactly challenging to my deductive reasoning skills. So I introduced her to the Two Truths and a Lie game.

Two truths and a lie

First, I made her guess which two foods Mommy has eaten and which one she hasn't:
1. pizza
2. snails
3. monkey brains
Pizza was a gimme, since she'd seen me eating it. But was it snails or monkey brains I was lying about? She guessed snails was the lie, but I said no, and told her about the garlicky deliciousness of escargot. I have yet to try monkey brains, I said. Would she like to try them with me? I'd make some tomorrow night.
She screamed in horrified delight and she's never looked back.
Now I have to come up with several of these a night to present her with so she can guess which is the lie.
Meanwhile, when it's her turn I get:
1. My favorite color is pink.
2. I'm in first grade.
3. My name is Zoe.
Forcing me to ask, "Did you change your favorite color, because as long as you've been able to say the word it's been pink?"
"No. The lie is I'm in first grade."
"Unless I missed a memo, you are in first grade."
"I am? Oh yeah."
Move to the head of the class, I think.
Then it's my turn again. Time to show off my smartitudes, or, more to the point, see how smart she thinks I am.
1. I can speak five languages.
2. I know the alphabet in sign language.
3. I have no middle name.
"Middle name," she guesses.
"Nope, that's true. I have no middle name. The lie is that I speak five languages, but I'm glad you think I'm a polyglot."
She squints her eyes at me as she always does when she knows Mommy's showing off by using a ten-dollar word. Then takes her turn.
1. I speak six languages.
2. I have a middle name.
3. And I speak English.
"I'm going to say the bit about speaking six languages is a lie, unless we're talking about the ones you made up."
She just laughs and mumbles something incoherent.
I say, "I've never skied or been on a motorcycle, but I have ridden a horse."
"No, I've been on a horse. At a dude ranch when I was in eighth grade. The lie is saying I've never skied. Because I did go skiing once. When I was in college. I fell and hit my head. A week later, I met Daddy and we started dating."
She blinks at me, recognizing my waiting-for-a-laugh face.
"It's funny because I'm saying I had a head injury when I got together with Daddy. Get it?"
Still no reaction. My next lie would be I've never told that joke about a million times before or maybe Daddy loves that joke.
When she's out of the bath and in her pajamas, she begs for one more round before story time.
I decide to end on something mostly sweet but which also includes her favorite subject: bathroom humor.
1. I love Zoe.
2. I love Daddy.
3. I have never farted in my life.
She thinks for a moment and says, "You love Daddy is the lie?"
Aghast but laughing I say, "No! Of course, I love Daddy."
Maybe it is time to retire that head-injury-dating-your-father joke, gold though it may be.
At the same time I'm sort of . . . proud, I guess, that she thinks I've never farted. That would be quite an accomplishment for a pizza-and-escargot-but-not-at-the-same-time-eating woman without a middle name who can speak five languages, four of them made up. And ain't that the truth?

Zoe: 159; Universe: 0

If you enjoyed this post, you may like Zoe vs. The Truth, from those halcyon days when her lies were more transparent.

For more of Zoe's hijinks, follow me on Facebook and on Twitter at @zoevsuniverse
I need a win here, people. 

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Thursday, March 9, 2017

Zoe vs. Games to Play in the Car. Or, How to Be DRIVEN to Madness in 20 Questions or Less

Lately, Zoe, the Husband, and I have been spending a lot of time on the road. Unusual for us since we don't own a car. In fact, I've never owned a car.
(Unless you count my dad's 1974 Chevy Nova, which he sold to me for $1 in December 1999, and which didn't make it across the finish line to the new millennium, so let's not.)
We live in the city and take public transportation. Whenever we need a car we rent one, so we've mostly missed out on the perils and pitfalls of driving with children: the sedimentary layer of toys beneath the layer of Cheerios, dropped down or vomited up, and perhaps worse than all that, Kidz Bop.
However, we've had to drive back and forth from Brooklyn to the Bronx for the past several weekends since we're cleaning out my aunts' house, which means Zoe has spent a lot more time in a car than she's used to. Since she's older now, we can't count on her to fall asleep, so we play games.
Ah, nostalgia! Remember the fun you had as a kid playing the Alphabet Game and the License-Plate Game and I Spy with My Little Eye? Zoe does not like these games.
Not that I Spy would work on the BQE. What is there to spy except other cars or trucks and former raccoons flattened on the side of the road?
How to describe the BQE for those who've never been on it . . . The Brooklyn-Queens Expressway was probably a model for a highway in Grand Theft Auto. There's a plethora of potholes outpacing the never-ending road work, and the drivers don't signal because it's none of your goddamn business what they're going to do---it's anyone's guess, which appeals to Zoe.
Because she likes guessing games.

20 Questions and other games to play in the car

One of the two car games she likes to play is Twenty Questions. Though she doesn't understand how to play.
Let's say it's my turn and I tell her I'm thinking of a character in one of her TV shows. For those playing at home, I'll whisper the answer:
Kion is Simba's son, and he's on Disney's The Lion Guard, which Zoe watches almost every night.
Zoe: Who is it?
Me: You have to ask me yes or no questions. Like, is it an animal?
Zoe: Is it an animal?
Me: Yes.
Zoe: What kind of animal?
Me: Is that a yes or no question?
Zoe: Aah, that's too hard!
Me (sighing): For instance, is it a lion?
Zoe: Is it a lion?
Me: Yes.
Zoe: Kion? (I nod.) That was too easy.
It's no less absurd when it's her turn.
Zoe: I'm thinking of a person.
Me: Is it someone we know?
Zoe: Yes.
Me: Is it Daddy?
Zoe: Daddy's not a princess.
Daddy (under his breath): Says you.
Me: Ah, so it's a princess. Wait, we don't know any princesses.
Zoe: Yes, we do!
Daddy: Is it a cartoon princess?
Zoe: What do you mean?
Daddy: Cartoon or live actor?
Zoe: She was in a movie.
Me: Have you seen the movie?
Zoe: Yes.
Daddy: Have we seen the movie?
Zoe: I don't know.
Me: A short blonde who's extremely frustrating.
Zoe: We're not playing Jeopardy, Mommy!
Daddy: Does she have long hair?
Zoe: Yes.
Daddy: Rapunzel?
Zoe: Yes, Tangled.
(Note: Both Daddy and Mommy have seen Tangled about a gazillion times, approximately all of those sitting right next to her on our couch.)
The second car game she likes is Wheel of Fortune, where we have to guess what person, place, or phrase she's thinking of without the aid of paper or an opponent who can spell, but with the benefit of being stuck in traffic.
Luckily, even with her woeful ability to spell, cracking her code is fairly easy.
"I'm thinking of a type of dinner," Zoe says. "Three words. First word starts with s, second word starts with a, and third word starts with m."
"How many letters in the first word?" Daddy asks.
"I don't know," says Zoe.
But since she just ate spaghetti and meatballs for dinner I offer that as a guess. And I am correct. Go, Mommy (metaphorically speaking, as traffic has come to a standstill).
Since Mommy got it right, it's time to play something she wants to play, I tell her. It's called the Quiet Game.
Unfortunately it's a game that only ever lasts ten seconds.

Zoe: 158; Universe: 0

For more of Zoe's hijinks, follow me on Facebook and on Twitter at @zoevsuniverse
I need a win here, people. 

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