Zoe vs. Celine Dion: Or, Why My Heart's Too Damn Tired to Go On

Thank God Valentine's Day is over, amirite? I hate schmaltz, and Valentine's Day is schmaltzy. You know what else I hate? Schlocky love songs. Especially ones by Celine Dion.

I know, I know, I'm so cranky. But that's because I'm not getting enough sleep.

The past few days, Zoe has come into our bed in the middle of the night, and after that, I can't sleep because of all the room she takes up, not to mention what she mentions about every ten minutes while we're lying there, which is, when are we getting up?

Did I say past few days? I meant since she could walk.

As I may have mentioned once or one hundred times before on this blog, see here, here, and---one of my first posts---here, Zoe's aversion to sleep has caused me no end of angst. I even wrote a sestina about it. She's always fought her bedtime, currently 9 p.m., and she still manages to get up before us. Even earlier on weekends.

You know what I hate more than schmaltzy love songs? If you said, "Getting up before six on a weekend morning," aka when the blessed and virtuous sleep in, then move to the head of the class. And bring Teacher a pillow.

Today's post combines the two things I hate most in the world: getting up early and schlocky love songs.

One of the schlockiest, in my opinion (the one that matters), is  "Because You Loved Me" by Canadian queen of schmaltz Celine Dion. Click on the YouTube link to sing along and try to drown her out with my new, improved version.

Enjoy!

Because You Woke Me

For all those times you woke me

For all the sunrises you made me see

For all the toys with flashing lights

For all the sleepless goddamn nights

For every early-morning poo

Why did I have to accompany you?

I'd be forever thankful, baby

If you didn't make me get up

Must I heed your call?

You can reach the iPad, you're getting tall

You wake me up when I want to sleep

You were the voice interrupting my dreams

You poked my eyes till I couldn't see

You took the rest that was for me

You kept me up with constant speech

Mommy wants to get up, that's your firm belief

I'm as tired as I am

Because you woke me

You asked for juice and made me cry

I said go back to bed, you didn't even try

I went to make coffee, you prevented me

You said we had to watch TV

You jumped on me, and I did fall

Injured my body, I hurt it all

I'd be grateful for every minute you'd give me

Five minutes more is not that much

But I know this much is true

I'm not getting any more sleep, all because of you

You wake me up when I want to sleep

You were the voice interrupting my dreams

You poked my eyes till I couldn't see

You took the rest that was for me

Once I'm up, you know I gotta pee

Cause a small bladder's my destiny

I'm as tired as I am

Because you woke me

You were always on top of me

Non-tender elbows prodding me

A light in the dark---is that you shining a flashlight in my eyes?

It's not my imagination

Through closed eyes, I can still see the truth

My world is a sleepless place because of you.

You wake me up when I want to sleep

You were the voice interrupting my dreams

You poked my eyes till I couldn't see

You took the rest that was for me

You keep me up with constant speech

Feel like my soul is gonna bleed

I'm as tired as I am

Because you woke me

I'm so extremely tired, I really am

Because you woke me.

Zoe: 156; Universe: 0

If you enjoyed this post, you may like this one, 

in which we all began to never sleep again.

For more of Zoe's hijinks, follow me on Facebook and on Twitter at @zoevsuniverse. 

I need a win here, people. 

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