Thursday, May 22, 2014

Zoe vs. the Alarm Clock

I've previously documented Zoe's coy flirtation with sleep. Like me, she's a night owl; and like The Husband, she's an early riser. As a result both her father and I are neither anymore. The technical term for what we are now is sleepless.
A few months ago, in an attempt to get her to go to bed at a reasonable time and keep her there longer in the morning, we put an alarm clock in her room.
Not just any alarm clock. It's both analog and digital. And it talks! AND it glows different colors! The analog and the digital aspects being beyond Zoe, much like the concept of time itself, it's the lights and talking that are key allies in my biggest goal in life---to sleep a straight six hours and two minutes. 
Much like a toddler the clock is pleasingly plump with adorable feet. During the day it glows with a dim light. Then, at bedtime, it changes to a bright yellow. This is meant to put your toddler on notice. They see that light and know it's time to wind down, review the day over a cup of warm milk, and listen to a story.

All clocks have hands; not all have feet.

Finally, the clock turns green, which, as always, means go, in this case, go to bed. At this point the obedient toddler will lay her head down, yawn, close her eyes, and drop off to sweet dreams.
This hasn't happened yet.
Mostly I keep pointing out the color, as in: "Zoe, your light's been green for a long time now, please stop pretending to be a dancing and singing bear-like creature named Gunky Banana-head (Gunky, sometimes Banana-head's surname, is also featured in all her knock-knock jokes) and go to sleep.
An especially fun thing is when she pulls the plug out of the wall or pulls the other end of the cord out of the base of the clock. Not sure why this cord attaches at both ends, by the way; it's not like it's a charger. I'd research this conundrum, but when I'm on the Internet I'm too busy looking at pictures of rashes to see if they match ones on Zoe and then getting sidetracked by some weird symptom I have that matches some disease you can only contract if you've been to Malaysia but that only makes me think they'll never diagnose me properly and I'll end up a medical mystery, a footnote in some scientific journal, while I waste away in the hospital, which brings me back to what we were talking about.
Pulling the plug.
Zoe pulls out the plug from either end and then I have to reset the clock and reset all the lights, but this time with Gunky Banana-head breathing down my neck and possibly biting it at the same time.
Did I also mention the clock talks? It's supposed to help your child learn how to tell time. You press the clock's pudgy left foot and a computerized voice tells you what time it is. Zoe loves this and presses it repeatedly, faster and faster, so that the robot voice can't finish what it's saying. Say for instance it's 8:23. Zoe presses the foot and I hear: "Eight twenty-three P.M. . . . eight twenty . . . eight twenty . . . eight twen . . . eight twe . . . eight eight eight eight." Which is when I consider pulling the plug myself.

Steve "Gunky" Bananahead. Famed for
putting bananas on his head at 8:23 daily.

As for the mornings we've had mixed success. Either she ignores the clock completely or seems to get out of bed exactly when the green light goes off at 6 A.M. I say "seems" because by 6:00:05, she's in my room, dragging me out of bed and into her room so she can show me the clock and prove what a good girl she is. See? She waited.
If I can't make out the dim yellow indicative of the clock's daytime mode due to my lack of glasses as well as my crusty eyelids, Zoe helps me out by pressing the left foot again and gain. And again.
"Six. Six. Six."
The sign of the devil. How fitting. Evil never sleeps.
Zoe: 45; Universe: 0


  1. The only way we got my son to sleep at all was when I got pregnant again. Or maybe he didn't sleep but I didn't notice because I was asleep. That clock is totally adorable.

  2. Haha, Jean, that certainly could be the reason, but if I went down that road again it'd be a temporary solution setting me up for more sleepless nights! Thanks for stopping by.

  3. So much I love about this. First of all, MOST brilliant opening paragraph ever. Secondly, sleep deprivation posts are my porn, thank you very much. My kids rise at 5am but also don't let me sleep at night, so there's that.
    Thirdly, that alarm clock does look very toddlerishy. Finally, I like Steve Bnanahead's no nonsense expression. Finally finally, you posted this at 6:30am.

  4. Haha. Thanks, Katia! Glad I am now NSFW-ish w/ my blog. What I find really strange about Steve is I found that picture after I already wrote the time of 8:23. Steve knows all...with the aid of his brain-boosting bananas.