Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Zoe vs. O.P.P.

Remember the song "O.P.P." by  Naughty by Nature? I was reminded of it the other day as I watched Zoe struggle with my friend's two-year-old over a toy. O.P.P., you'll recall, stands for Other People's Property (I know, but we're going with the G-rated version). It was still playing in the clubs the last time I was in one, so early nineties, I suppose, by which time if I wasn't clubbed out I'd met the soon-to-be husband, who only dances when it's socially compulsory, i.e., when all the other couples have to join the wedding couple on the dance floor. Therefore the frequency of his dancing falls somewhere between a solar eclipse and a biblical plague of locusts. Incidentally, for all three, experts recommend you shield your eyes.
Zoe LOVES Other People's Property. Only she doesn't call it that. Her name for Other People's Property is "Mine."  Naughty by Nature (three words that also describe Zoe!), the hip-hop trio from New Jersey consisting of Treach, Vin  Rock, and DJ  Kay Gee, lovingly crafted these words of wisdom, and in honor of them today's post comes to you in rhyme.
Note/Warning: I haven't rapped in years. Back then, Salt-N-Pepa feared my flowcabulary, and I went by the moniker PB&J. Because there ain't nuthin' whiter than that. Now I bring you . . .
O.P.P. (with revisions)
[Verse 1] -- Mommy
On the weekend we went over to somebody's house
They have a two-year-old so toys and stuff lay all around
Five versions of that red puppet that we know and love
Four adults see a fight unfolding from above
Besides the one that actually belongs to Z
There's one that sneezes, one that laughs, and one with kung-fu chi
But Z wants one in particular
the one that someone else has
a moment's inattention, there comes her chance
it's in her hands---O.P.P.!---it's hers at last.

Original playa-hatas
[Chorus] -- Mommy/Everyone
You down with O.P.P.? Yeah, you know Z.
Who's down with O.P.P.? Every last baby.
You down with O.P.P.? Yeah, you know Z.
Who's down with O.P.P.? All the babies.

[Verse 2] -- Mommy
Other child's back is turned
Z seized the opportunity
Toy's now hers with impunity, bust it
E to the L to the M to the O
Lo and behold the two-year-old
sees, a tug-of-war commences
no mending fences
put up defenses
Elmo's in distress, what a mess, 
Wrecks, decks, snaps necks, comes correct.
Where are we living in? Gots to be oblivion. 
We implore, we ignore. Dads, don't keep score, not anymore. 
Don't wanna be no bore.
Take the toy and kick it to the curb.
You take from us, 'rents, don't be absurd!
Gotta be a solution, a problem evolution
Treach ponders, Why won't shorties share?
Just other people's property
And you're down with a discount.

You down with O.P.P.? Yeah, you know Z.
Who's down with O.P.P.? Every last baby.
You down with O.P.P.? Yeah, you know Z.
Who's down with O.P.P.? All the babies.

[Verse 3]  -- Zoe (aka, Scary Spice 4Realz)
I'm in the park and it's a sunny day
See a ball. Some other kid's but he's not gonna play
Walk on over, scoop it up, tell me the wrong in that?
Give it a throw, no one'll know
Wait, I smell a rat.
What they don't know won't hurt 'em, as long as that other kid don't alert 'em
Whiny tattletale little sister, when I punch I won't miss her.
Mommy drags me from the playground, claims I need a nap
In my defense, I say it was a trap
Stupid stroller lulling me to sleep
I'll dream of all the toys I'm gonna keep
Starting with that ball, just don't get in my way
It belonged to someone else but was gonna be mine anyway.

You down with O.P.P.? Yeah, you know Z.
Who's down with O.P.P.? Every last baby.
You down with O.P.P.? Yeah, you know Z.
Who's down with O.P.P.? All the babies.

Collateral damage from another O.P.P. dispute.

[Verse 4] -- Zoe and Mommy
When I wake up from my nap you best not look at me
Messy hair, peanut butter crusting my lips, damn skippy!
It's hard to be a toddler, and you know that's a fact
Coaxing me awake takes mad skillz and a lot of tact.
Cause, y'all when you're small it ain't at all
Fun, no (Z, you tell it! Drop your load!)
I did. (Yeah, I smell it.)
Come over here and get changed. Why you actin so deranged?
Cause I drank too much - - -
M to the O to the T to the T to the S
No sugar added, already has enough, now you high on the stuff
Dancin', prancin', can't stay still
Bedtime battle's sure to be uphill. Why can't you just chill? Mommy needs a pill.
This rhyme's a disaster, just like my living room after
That rhymes with
The age of
Yeah, you know me!
Zoe: 17; Universe: 0
*That word is no.


  1. Crying with laughter!! SO FUNNY!! Oh my Gosh, that Zoe just kills me!-Ashley

  2. Too... freaking... funny!
    Found you on Cafe Mom :)

    1. Thanks! Saw you there too. I like your blog. Funny stuff. Thanks for commenting.

  3. Omg, this needs to be published at the beginning of What to Expect. The next page would say: The End. LMAO

  4. And wait, I think I stopped caring when I was 16, so what does OPP really stand for????

    1. I'm not answering that. My mother reads this blog!!